9 Ways to "Deal" When Everyone Around You Is Pregnant (Or has what you want!)

Walking the road of infertility is HARD. Not only are you dealing with the pokes and prods and meds and hormones and anxiety of the process, but your emotions are ON ANOTHER LEVEL. I am NOT an expert and I have IN NO WAY figured all this out, but these are some practical ways I've found to "deal" with the times that just really suck. (Sorry that I said suck, mom) And I hope that this will relate to anyone waiting or desiring, not just dealing with infertility. I'd love to hear what you think, if you feel the same way, or if you have any other ideas to add. I love y'all!

1. Find encouraging scripture to keep on your mind all the time.

There's a song lyric by Matt Redman that says, "Forever I'll be breathing IN your grace, and breathing OUT your praise." This thought was a spiritual marker for me. In times when I feel alone, or surrounded by people who have been given the desires of their hearts, or when I'm just downright mad or upset-- I have to STOP and take a deep breath of GRACE. It allows me to "reset" and in turn, breathe out PRAISE. God is not surprised by what's happening to me. I also don't believe this is a curse or "the work of the enemy." I believe He has allowed this trial in my life, to draw me closer to Him. It's easy to "breathe out praise" when your life is on point. But what about through the fire? Having the TRUTH and the PROMISES of God's word on your MIND at all times is a way to WAGE WAR and WIN against the enemy when he tries to tell you the lies that come in a trial like this. Here are a few of my favorite to have posted, written, on my phone, in my car, on my mirror, etc:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"From the end of the earth I will cry unto you, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

"He will fear no bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

"I am not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I present my requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." Phill 4:6-7

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

2. Limit social media use.

Is it just me or has everyone just had a baby, announced a pregnancy, done a gender reveal, or only posts pictures of their kids? It may just be me. But isn't that all you see every time you log on? Social media is already a very easy way to get entangled in the lie of the "have nots." It's kind of like when you have a dream car you desperately want to buy, and all of sudden THAT'S THE ONLY CAR YOU SEE ON THE ROAD. When you want to get pregnant, all you see is babies. When you want to fall in love, all you see is gross people in love. Don't torture yourself by scrolling/stalking/trolling for hours. It can oftentimes be INVITING the enemy to take root in your mind. Social media is great for a lot of things, but guard your heart. Be diligent. Know when to log out, and just go play Solitaire.

3. Don't keep your struggle to yourself-- you don't have to suffer in silence.

You are not alone. Let me repeat myself. You. Are. Not. Alone. This is not 1957 where women have to sit at home and silently DIE inside because it's not "proper" to speak of such things. No, I'm sorry. It's crap. And if you're sitting there reading this, and you don't have anyone to turn to, and you feel alone and ashamed and you're blaming yourself-- I believe it is physically and emotionally KILLING you. PLEASE REACH OUT. I would not be here typing this post if I did not have an amazing circle of warriors around me to encourage me and tell me that what I'm feeling is VALID. Do you know that 1 in 8 couples have to seek medical assistance in having a baby??? You probably have 100 Facebook friends going through it right now, or have gone through it in the past. I'm not telling you to start a blog and share it with the world (if thats your style-- DO IT-- it's been amazingly therapeutic for me), but join a support group either in real life or on Facebook. Confide in a friend. Seek counseling. Ask for prayer from your leadership staff at church. If you can't find this circle of support-- MESSAGE ME and we'll find you one together. There are millions of women ready to envelope you with open arms and prayer and encouragement who GET YOU. Don't miss out. And DON'T suffer in silence. 

4. Have a good cry.

This one probably seems silly. But for realz. When it comes to fertility, fertility meds, hormones, the whole world being pregnant BUT YOU (dramatic)-- there is A LOT of "pent up" emotion. A lot of times a good cry can be triggered by something (a tv show, a random puppy you pass on a sidewalk, or a silly toothpaste commercial with a cute baby), but sometimes when you're overwhelmed, you just need to come home, sit on your couch or get in your shower and Let. It. Out. It's okay. It's therapeutic. And you need a release from all that. Or else one day you're just gonna LOSE it on the grocery bagging teenager that doesn't organize your cold items with cold items and your dry goods with dry goods. (I don't know who would do that..... not me....)

5. Make a MAJOR effort to spend quality time with your husband.

Remember when you first fell in love? Remember when you would stay up late talking for all hours of the night or how you would spend hours getting ready for him to pick you up on a date? Remember what it felt like to love him before the pressures of bills, work, marriage, and fertility? It is so easy to get into the crazy cycle of blame, resentment, irritability, and sex "on a schedule" when you're walking this road. It's VITAL (at least it has been for us) to make time for each other that INCLUDES no MENTION of fertility or work or bills or the hard stuff. Get dressed up. Go on a walk together. Lay in bed and watch funny videos of people falling and laugh until you cry. Men-- just be there. I know you want to fix it. I know you wish your wife wasn't in so much pain. Just encourage her. Tell her she's beautiful when hormones make her face explode with breakouts and gain 20 pounds when she just looks at a cupcake. Ladies-- remind your man that he's your superman through it all. Remember that this is hard for him too. He oftentimes feels helpless and doesn't know what to say or do to make it better. Give him grace. Even if babies do come, scripture tells us that your relationship with your spouse comes FIRST. Don't let it get lost in the shuffle. 

6. Be honest with your friends.

I have a lot of pregnant friends right now. We're just in that season of life. And it's totally okay. But there are some days, it's just hard. REALLY HARD. Sometimes when you're at dinner and the only topics of conversation include maternity clothes, breast pumps, car seats, and birth stories-- its hard. I've been on this train for a long time, so I'm really good at being genuinely joyful to celebrate new life, or when I'm not-- just faking it. But sometimes I. Just. Don't. Have. It. In. Me. To. Say. Congratulations. One. More. Time. And I'm going to validate you right now and say-- IT'S OH KAY. I GET YOU. You don't have to put yourself in positions that you know will end in you crying so hard you can't see to drive on the way home. Don't feel like you can emotionally handle a friend's baby shower? Don't go. Buy a quick gift online and ship it to their house. It's better for you to RSVP in the "heck no" category than for you to go with a bad attitude and put a damper on your friend's day. But here's the deal-- you need to be honest with your friends. Don't just disappear after their pregnancy announcement and have a friendship end. It's not their responsibility to read your mind. If they really love you and care about you, they will understand that sometimes you just need a break. You know your own emotions, and if you feel like it will be a situation that will cause you more pain-- just say no. To those friends reading this who know someone experiencing infertility-- don't take it personally when they aren't as accessible. And please PLEASE, don't give advice, don't get offended, just love them through it. 

7. Make a gratitude list.

Seriously this is self-explanatory-- but it is dang near impossible to experience jealousy and anger and have your own self-pity at the forefront, when you have a heart of gratitude. This is so important. Keep this list in your notes on your phone and when you're feeling low, or jealous, or angry, make it a POINT to add to this list. I believe it is IMPOSSIBLE to live an abundant life of joy without a heart of gratitude. 

8. Be proactive about finding JOY in your life.

A clean living room, with fresh flowers in a beautiful vase, a scented candle burning, a good beverage, a romantic comedy playing on the tv, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, in comfy clothes, with my puppy laying on the carpet in front of me, and my husband laying on the couch beside me....... There is literally nothing that makes me happier. I feel like Julie Andrews singing, "these are a few of my favorite things!" Sometimes it's an evening like this. Sometimes it's dropping everything to drive to Mississippi and be with my family. Sometimes it's a good book. Sometimes it's taking a nap in the sun in my backyard. Sometimes it's spending one on one time with a great friend. Sometimes it's buffalo chicken wings from Steve's Landing. No matter what it is for you, find your happy place. Be diligent in adding things to your day that bring you joy. If you're miserable at work, make sure that your evening is full of things that bring you joy. There are enough things in life that cause us pain, so I challenge you to find one thing that brings you joy TODAY. It's hard for me to be upset when I'm drowning in comfy covers and watching Andie Anderson and Benjamin Berry discussing a love fern. 

9. Try to find meaning and purpose in your struggle.

This one is definitely the hardest. And way easier said than done. And there are some things we face that we will never know the purpose on this side of heaven. When I ask "why," there are a few things I'm always reminded of. Had it not been for infertility, I don't know that I would have been forced to lay my control freak, "I can handle it all" attitude at the foot of the Cross. Had it not been for infertility, I wouldn't be connected to some of the bravest, strongest, most hopeful women I've ever known. Had it not been for infertility, I would not have been given this platform to write this blog. There are many things I don't understand, but there is one thing I KNOW... God is good, He has a purpose, I am not forgotten, I am not being punished, and I am not alone. Neither are you. 

Give me your ideas to add to the list. BIG love coming from me to you!

--Whit <3

When God Is Not Good

I'd like to give you some catchy and creative beginning to this post.... but I've got nothin'. This has been one of the hardest posts I've ever written. For the past year, I have never felt this lost. I have sat down to write this post (or one similar) SO MANY TIMES and the words would NOT come, because I just didn't understand the place I was in... or how I got there. I still don't have it all figured out. I'm overwhelmed thinking it all out. But, vulnerably and transparently, here's where we are...

The last time I posted a true fertility "update" was in October of 2014. A year and a half ago. I felt like I was in a good place and was starting to move forward. You can go back and read that post, but basically my "A Year of Stuffing" post was about how I had crammed all my "feelings" down my own throat and tried to pretend like it wasn't happening to me in order to survive. At the time of the post, I was starting to feel again, and not just "feel," but mainly get excited about the possibility of starting fertility again. There was a sense of hope. And contentment. And it was real. And it felt good. That hope and contentment lasted awhile, and continued for a long time-- and in all honesty, still continues today.... but if that's the case, how did I get so....lost? When did I start just saying words to myself (and others) that I KNEW to be truth-- but then seemed so superficial? How did I get so SAD? When did I start thinking that, for some reason, I was being punished? When did I start feeling FORGOTTEN?

And worse...

How did I get to the place that my heart believed God was not good?

.....

Well, it started with hope and contentment. That sounds weird, but stick with me. Going forward at the end of 2014 and beginning of the new year, was so refreshing. 2014 was brutal for us, but the promises of a fresh start and a new positive outlook were exciting. And to be honest with you-- for the most part, 2015 was a good year. It held probably the MOST change that Duane and I have ever experienced together in our marriage, but ultimately- the changes have been overall positive. We had to face a lot of situations in work with some courage and flexibility-- but like I said, ultimately positive. So, even though circumstances felt overwhelming at times, we never really felt defeated. Which, is why I was surprised and confused to have gradually woken up each day with more sadness than the day before. And for the first time on this fertility journey, waking up with this feeling of loneliness. And abandonment. I was so hopeful and I was SO genuinely trying to keep a heart of gratitude that I didn't understand why my mind was taking me to such rough places. So the "hope" and the "contentment" became my rescue. When the sadness would creep up, I would immediately combat the thought with, "No! Stop! You're not sad! Perk up baby! We are content! You have plenty of time! You're good!"

Hope was helping me survive.
Hope was my tool to combat the sadness.
When I began to doubt myself or my family's future.
When everyone around me (and I DO MEAN EVERYONE) was getting what I so desperately hoped for.
When everyone was being "blessed" and "highly favored" and "their heart's desires" and all those other churchy words we use.
Hope kept me happy.
Hope gave me joy.
Hope gave me the strength.
Hope was my emotional stability.
Hope was my crutch.
Hope.


But....Why was I still so sad? Why was it not working? Why was I having feelings of abandonment that I had NEVER had before that I was constantly having to combat with said "hope?" Why was this hope so empty?? I'M TRYING SO HARD TO BE GRATEFUL AND HOPEFUL AND CONTENT AND WHY IS IT NOT WORKING??? WHY AM I SO FREAKING LOST?


The problem with hope is that it's an empty word on its own. It ONLY has value when you identify the source or the recipient of this "hope." 

In other words, Hope. In. What?


"Jesus loving, church girl, faith filled" Whitney would say "God" of course.
But was that true?

Well, Duane had promised me that we could start fertility again this year..
So, hope in doctors. Medicine.
And, our new insurance would be kicking in this year..
So, hope in financial readiness.
And, my sister was having two miracle babies this year!
So, hope in other people's stories. Genetics.
And, I'm still young, there's no way this won't happen..
So, hope in MY body, because.. ME.
And, I was determined to stay positive, because... ME.
So, hope in my own strength and emotional health.

The problem is-- most of these things didn't happen the way they were supposed to or were planned. And the ones that did can never satisfy the void and longing in my heart. People fail, timing sucks, money is tight, that biological clock keeps ticking, and I CAN'T keep it all together!

Which is why it was all crumbling.
I felt
EMPTY.
LONELY.
PUNISHED.
FORGOTTEN.

And I didn't know why.

Here's the deal, pickle. (Been awhile since I've used that joke--- you're welcome.)
Hope in these things is not sustainable. And each and every time these recipients of your hope disappoints, like it ALWAYS will-- it callouses you. And that energy which so joyfully fueled your hope can quickly and fleetingly, become the same energy that fuels your despair.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever given your life and your circumstances your absolute BEST shot at joy and hope and contentment-- only to continue to feel this deep ache. Disappointment. And even worse, loneliness or abandonment? It's unexplainable. It's confusing. Especially for someone who knows God's word, and who intends to give their best shot at believing it. How is it possible to feel this lost?

Two things stand out to me over the past few months, that started to give me the slightest bit of direction, and have helped me start to understand and to heal.

1. One weekend in Jackson, MS visiting my family, we attended a church service one Sunday where the pastor was talking about surrender. I don't remember all of the sermon, but there was one line that he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:
"When things are not going as planned, when your emotions take hits, when your hopes are slashed, and when your circumstances are not good-- over time, if you're not careful, you may start to equate your bad circumstances with a bad God. When life is not good, it becomes easy to say God is not good."

That day it was so clear to me that despite the desperate attempts of weak hope and gratitude-- that over the last year, I had started attaching my "not good sign" of my circumstances and this sadness and longing to my God.

No wonder I had started feeling FORGOTTEN. And LONELY. And PUNISHED. Because if God is not good-- then why in the world would I deserve anything more?

2. One day, not long after, I was scrolling through FB, and I saw a status Kari Jobe posted that rocked me. She's a Christian recording artist and she's AMAZE. It was a day I was feeling particularly lost and numb. I can't find the status, and I didn't save it, so don't quote me-- but the summary was something along the lines of this:
When you're lost, or in pain, or walking through fire, or experiencing circumstances beyond your control, our first human instinct is to ask why? And we are certainly able to have those intense conversations with the Lord and be as honest as possible. But ultimately, it doesn't do anything but give you more questions. In those times, the only way to truly let go is to worship. Sometimes with tears rolling down your face, and most times not receiving any answers, but just worship-- and through it, inviting God to meet you where you are. Then, wait.

So that night... I didn't open my Bible. I didn't read my "go-to, check my devotion off the list" Jesus Calling app. I laid my head down on my pillow, closed my eyes, and fell asleep "singing" or reciting the lyrics to hymns and worship songs. I wasn't very intentional in what songs I picked, usually just whatever came to my mind-- but I did try to dwell on what I was saying.
I did it again the next night.
And the next.
It was all I could muster together. But it was something.


I definitely don't have it all figured out. And I don't really know how to articulate the feelings and experiences through my circumstances, and my relationship with the Lord that I've had over the last year or so. But I have to believe that others have experienced this too. You may be struggling like me.  It may not be infertility, but you may be experiencing financial difficulty, or job stress, or relationship turmoil, or just the longing or ache of something you so desire that is just not happening. I don't know what it is. But what I can truly say with all certainty is that even our BEST shot, our BEST attempt at hope in our circumstances or other people or money or church or ourselves are FEEBLE at most and will NOT withstand the fire. Without placing your hope in the ONLY One who can fulfill that longing, the ONLY One who can balm your pain, and the ONLY One who can give you true joy-- without THAT hope, there is no hope. People fail. Medicine fails. You fail.

He won't.

You may also be like me and say-- I know that's true! I know God is all-knowing and all-powerful. I know it, because I've been taught it, and I've read it, and for the majority of my life, I've believed it. But today, right now, it just feels hard to believe. It feels out of reach. It feels like I've come to believe, that, maybe over time, God is not good. (Ouch-- it's hard to admit, right?) But one last thing I can truly say with all certainty is that Jesus Christ died to know me and you. He has been present in my life. All my life. Even in the darkest of times. He promises me and you in His Word that He will not LEAVE me or FORSAKE me.. or YOU. He says that He REMEMBERS me... and YOU... and WE are ETCHED in His hands.

I don't know about you, but I'm encouraged and inspired by a Hope that says, "My power works best in your weaknesses and my grace is all you need.'" (2 Cor. 12:9)

I can't help you get there or believe it. But I hope these words challenge you, like they did me. I hope they encourage you to walk this journey with me. No matter who you are, no matter where you've been, no matter where you came from, no matter how dark it's been.... Place your hope in the only place strong enough to care for it. And powerfully remind yourself that God is still good, He is still on His throne, and He loves you. In fact, He DIED to know you. I can promise you, that every night, as Duane and I move into this new season of fertility, we're covering it in prayer. And yes, hope. But this time, hope in the One who is able. And mighty. And One who is still in the miracle working business. Won't you join me? Even if all you can muster is a few reluctant worship lyrics on your pillow tonight with tears streaming down your face-- don't ask why, don't wallow in your pain-- just invite the Lord to meet you there, and if you wait, He will.....

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand."

-Whit <3

Just Call Me Doula!

There are no words to describe the day of August 14, 2014. It was truly a life-changing experience. I got to witness Julie and Tommy Willumson welcome precious Charlotte Piper into the world. But this was no ordinary birthing experience. This would be the very first time I'd get to see a completely natural, at-home birth. You read that correctly! At. Home. If your first thought is.....Say Whaaaaaa??? Don't worry, that was mine too. Until I met Julie Willumson.

And it goes a little something like this...

Julie and I met through our Mary Kay businesses about 4 years ago. She lived in Michigan and I lived in Tennessee- but we got to spend time together each year in Dallas at our Mary Kay Seminar. We instantly hit it off. Over the years we kept up with each other through Facebook and MK friends- but it wasn't until she and her family moved back to Chattanooga that we really became soul sisters. It doesn't hurt that our husbands are very similar and have a major bromance going on too! (They're gonna love me for that one!)

So where does this home birth fit in?

I knew that Julie had done a home birth with her first baby girl Malia. But it wasn't until one of our late night conversations at an out of town MK event that I really knew anything about it. Julie shared her home birth story with us and showed us pictures of the experience. I was completely 100% intrigued. I love a good back story- and I love things that are unique, stand out, and go against the grain of what society tells us is the "way things are done." That's not really a reason to base how your child comes into the world- but it did make me very curious about the process.

When Julie found out she was expecting baby #2- we were all thrilled! And I immediately started bullying her into letting me be her doula (someone there during the birthing process to help serve the mom and make her more comfortable). Bullying may be a little dramatic- but I definitely let her know that I would love to be a part of it. I'm very subtle. :) So about midway- I got the sweetest text from Julie asking me if I would like to be beside her on the day as her doula. We were at the beach with my parents when I got the text and I immediately started jumping up and down because I was so honored and excited!

Sidebar: My sweet Southern belle mama was hilarious when I told my family the news. She of course started by making sure I knew I needed to do everything I could to be helpful- but then she ended her wisdom by saying, "And now Whitney, I need you to memorize theeese threeee nummmberrssss: NINE. ONE. ONE!" Hilarious. Good one mama!

Then the preparations started. Julie asked me to do any reading I could and maybe to watch some videos just to prepare me for the experience. The more I read about it, and the more research I did- the more excited and intrigued I got. Every woman and pregnancy is different- but these stories were incredible and beautiful. They were SO different from what you see on television and the horror stories you hear from friends. One particularly helpful video is a documentary called, "The Business of Being Born." Julie was very clear in her views that an at home birth is not for everyone- and I believe that too- but this documentary allows you to open your minds to thoughts you've never thought before. Or at least it did for me. The other important thing to add is that as several mothers read this experience that I write (obviously someone who has not had a birth experience), please know it's not meant to pass judgement or rain on the parade of anyone else who has had a different story. There is no perfect way to do it-- and no way is right or wrong. This was just completely new to me, and something that completely changed the way I think about birth.

I was ready. And SO excited!

Then we got down to the last few weeks/days of the pregnancy. Julie was extremely uncomfortable. And overdue. It was HOT. She had a LOT of false labor and early contractions. And the feeling of everyone being on call 24/7 for about three weeks was weighing heavy. Spirits remained high- but you knew everybody was ready for that baby to get here. Obviously Julie more than anyone. I tried my best to do whatever I could to take any stress away. Cleaning, dishes, laundry, playing with Malia, cooking (HA! I did my best!), comedic relief, mall walking buddy, and always bearing gifts! I mean- isn't that what a doula is for?!

The last hurdle we had to get over was a day trip to Nashville for a MK event I had scheduled and could not miss. I would be gone all day. I kept my phone on and beside me the whole time just in case I needed to leave early for the 2.5 hour trip home. Luckily everything remained calm and I got home about 9:00 that night with no labor in sight.

Well, that is, until my phone rang at around 2:30AM. I picked up the phone with my sleepy "heelllo?" and was met with an excited high pitched Julie saying... "It'ssssssss TIME!" So exciting! I grabbed my doula bag I had packed by the door with an extra set of clothes and some snacks (yall! I was prepared!) and headed to the Willumson house!

When I got there- Julie was sitting calmly in her living with it dimly lit, diffusing her Clary Sage (natural essential oil that helps speed up labor) in her humidifier, with her phone opened to the app to time her contractions. Tommy and Malia were still asleep and so I cranked up my "Spa Station" on Pandora and then just made myself busy with tidying up or chatting in between her contractions. Her contractions weren't super intense yet- but they were getting pretty consistent. So at about 4AM, we decided to give the midwife a call. She said she would get loaded and head on over in about an hour. It was during this time that Julie kind of gave me instructions on how she wanted me to assist her during contractions. She would lean over the arm of the couch and I would massage her lower back with the Clary Sage to help relieve some pressure. This went on for about the next two hours. Chatting, contraction, dishes, contraction, chatting, contraction, eat a protein bar, contraction, etc.

About 6:30AM the first midwife, Michelle Ray, arrived. Tommy and I helped her unload her things and then she started filling out paperwork and timing Julie's contractions. For about the next two hours- we sat and chatted and I really got to know Michelle. She was awesome! You could tell that she loved what she did and was extremely knowledgeable about her profession. She made me feel instantly comfortable in her space and I was assured Julie was in great hands. I continued to massage Julie with every contraction as they continued to get more intense and more frequent. About that time- Malia woke up and got to spend a few minutes with Julie before she left for Tommy's mom's house. It was really sweet to see that mommy/daughter bonding for the last time before they were a family of four. Julie had also tried to lay down and get some rest in between contractions but every time she did the contractions would slow down. So after Malia left, and when Michelle's friend Debbie (the second midwife) arrived- we decided to take a few laps up and down Julie's long, hilly driveway to speed the process up. After a couple of laps- you could definitely tell the contractions were starting to come consistently and more intense again.

After our walk- Julie casually strolled around her house as she labored and we decided it was time to move into her bedroom. Julie prefers to labor at night, but since we were moving in to brightest part of the day- I gathered towels and sheets and covered all the windows in her bedroom- turned all the lights off and kept my Spa Station rolling. It was a very serene and peaceful setting. Her water had not broken yet, but it was right after we moved into the bedroom that she had her "bloody show" and things definitely started getting more intense. Michelle checked her and "ruffled her feathers" a little bit to speed things up and she was at about a 6 cm dilated. With each contraction she would lay over the side of the bed and sway as I would do the massaging thing- but this time it was with a heating pad and with just pressure along her lower back. After each contraction she would sit up, sip some water, and breathe slowly. We also decided to try the shower for awhile. As contractions were starting to speed up significantly and be more intense-- Julie got in the shower and let the heat and stream of water give her some relief for about 30 mins. In the meantime, Tommy, Debbie, and Michelle got the birthing pool set up in the bedroom and got all of the preparations and supplies ready for when the baby came. Michelle was also consistently checking the baby's heart rate with the exact same heart rate monitor as they use in the hospital. Pretty cool. After she got out of the shower-- Julie did spend some time in the birthing pool but it was hard for her to get into a good position that felt comfortable and she ended up getting too hot which wasn't great for either heart rate. So we started over with the leaning over the bed laboring process.

After a few hours of this- you could tell that she was starting to wear down. At one point she climbed up in the bed and actually fell asleep for about 10 mins. When Michelle came in and saw her asleep- she knew she was gonna have to speed this up a little more. We needed contractions to come a lot faster to get that baby out anytime soon. She put some kind of special herb under her tongue and then pulled out the breast pump. The herb helps induce and speed up labor and the breast stimulation does the same. This is when IT got real, people! Contractions started coming so fast that Julie had no break in between. As soon as she would get that breast pump back on- it wouldn't be 10 seconds before the next contraction would hit. It also started feeling more comfortable for Julie to squat and sway her hips back and forth in each contraction. So she would hold onto the bed, squat down, I would squat behind holding the heating pad in her lower back with my knee, and massaging her hips and thighs with my hands. I just thought I was a rockstar for being a Body Pump instructor and teaching all those squats --- but let me just tell you that Body Pump has NOTHING on doing squats with Julie in labor! :) After about two hours of this- Julie was so exhausted that she couldn't even lift herself back up when the contraction was over. By this point- I'm pretty tired myself after being at this for over 12 hours- but I just kept reminding myself that it was nowhere near what Julie was feeling. So every time I had the thought that I was tired, or hungry- I would pray over Julie. She was blowing my mind with her strength- so my prayers always sounded something like- "Lord please keep supernaturally reminding Julie that you will take her through this, that with Your help she can do it, keep this baby safe, and please help her come quickly." Over and over and over. But even through all of this- there was never even a PEEP from Julie. She didn't scream, moan, or make those weird animal noises you see in the movies. She would just breathe deeply, sigh every now and then- but even in the midst of the worst and the hardest- everything remained very calm and serene. Very Julie-like. For those of you who know her- you know exactly what I mean.

The only point that I got a little concerned was right at the end. Things were definitely progressing quickly and Michelle was keeping a close watch on the baby's heart rate. With every contraction she was going to the floor with us and listening closely. At one point she asked Julie to get up on the bed and change positions to take pressure off the baby. Her and Debbie kept whispering quietly and I knew something was off. They started acting quickly and asking Julie if she was feeling like she wanted to try and push. Julie was ready to go and just wanted something different. Come to find out the baby's heart rate had been dropping because the cord was wrapped around her little neck. So they flipped her over and she started to push. I had been up on the bed with her and letting her lean back and rest on me- but when she started pushing- I jumped up and got the camera and moved Tommy up by Julie to be the official hand squeezer. (Thank goodness Tommy took that job- I saw how hard she squeezed!)

Michelle and Debbie got into position, switched on the lights, and you could tell they were getting ready to go. I positioned myself to be able to get lots of different angles of pictures and took some deep breaths myself because I knew this was about to really happen. As soon as Julie started to push, I could clearly see that little Charlotte's head was right there. It would not be long now. The coolest part about it was that the midwives starting coaching Julie in the coolest way. It seriously sounded like we were at a sporting event and these two women were the most inspirational leaders I had ever heard. Their voices got strong with encouragement like, "Come on Julie! Be brave Julie! You can do this! You were born to do this! You're courageous! You're strong! Your baby is almost here Julie! Keep going!" It was incredible!! I started not being able to see through the lens because I knew the tears were forming. I've never seen so much strength displayed in such a short amount of time.

Well, yall, after about 14 hours of labor, and about 3 minutes of pushing- at 4:24pm, I clicked away at that camera with tears rolling down my face as the beautiful Charlotte Piper officially entered this world. It was the most exhilarating, exhausting, precious, heart wrenching, proud moment of my life. What a miracle! What a beautiful moment and testament to God's power and His faithfulness. It was incredible.

I had kept it together all day- not letting any emotion show- but let me tell you.... Once I put the camera down and allowed myself to walk over and see Julie and the baby up close- I. LOST. IT. I couldn't pull myself together. I'm sure the exhaustion had something to do with it- but all I felt was this OVERWHELMING sense of pride for my friend. I couldn't really articulate what I was feeling- but I just remember saying "I'm just so proud of you!" over and over again in between sobs. It was such an inspiration to me to be in the space of this powerful woman that had made a decision to have this kind of birth experience- and she did it. How empowering!

After I had pulled myself together and the midwives were like little busy bees getting Julie finished up, delivering the after birth, getting some excessive bleeding under control, etc-- Michelle told me to go make Julie something to eat with as much sugar and protein that I could find. Y'all..... for those of you that know me....I don't just "whip up" something to eat. I do NOT cook. So Julie and I had a laugh about this later-- but I be-bopped back in that room with two toasted waffles covered in peanut butter, nutella, and honey. At this point-- I'm sleep deprived, elated, emotional, nerves on edge, and surprised that what I brought her was even edible. :) It worked and surprisingly Julie ate it! :)

After lots of skin-to-skin time and getting Julie pretty cleaned up- Michelle ran an herbal bath for Julie and the baby. We got everybody cleaned up and fresh- and I even got to take Charlotte from Michelle after the bath and be the third person ever to hold her after mama and daddy. Pretty cool! Don't worry- we had WhitWhit and Charlotte selfie time! :)

Tommy's family headed over with Malia which was precious watching her meet her baby sister for the first time- and then the whole family got to watch the newborn exam and see her be weighed and measured. Tommy's mom and sister then went ahead and cooked supper for everybody while I helped Julie with a little mommy makeup application and took some pictures with the new little family of four. After pictures, Julie ate, breastfed, and then settled into her own bed to sleep with sweet baby Charlotte beside her. It was the most calm and serene scene I think I've ever seen.

I loaded my stuff up- gave all my final hugs and kisses- and made my way home. I cried the whole way of course. And then had the realization that I had not eaten, drank, or used the restroom in about 12 hours! HA! I was a little hungry. And really thirsty. I had Duane pick me up the biggest burger he could find (I'm an emotional eater obviously) and I ate, showered, and then passed out at about 7:30 that night. What a day!

I will tell you that I was forever changed that day. I know that may sound a little extreme to some folks- but not to me. Not only did it open my eyes to a whole new birthing experience available, but it showed me the kind of inner strength that God has naturally gifted us with as women. If He has designed our bodies and our minds to experience and endure something like this- what ELSE are we capable of? The possibilities are endless!

You know, many people have asked me if it was a good idea for ME to be a part of something like this. Considering the fertility issues of course. Would it make me sad? Would it be too hard on me emotionally? And here's my answer to that very considerate question. Absolutely not. I am SO grateful for the experience and the honor that Julie allowed me to be a part of such an intimate, once in a lifetime day. It did my heart SO much good to be able to celebrate such a miracle. It also opened my eyes to the options I have when God chooses to bless us with a child. And Duane and I are actually very open and interested in having the same experience in our home. So- no- it did the opposite of make me sad- it reminded me of God's goodness, the strength He has placed in me already, and above all His faithfulness. It gave me HOPE.

So to Julie- rock on my dear sister. You are strong. You are capable. You are such an inspiration to me. To Tommy- thank you for letting me be a part of this incredible experience. You are an incredible father. My sweet Malia- you bring me so much joy! WhitWhit loves those kisses and goofy faces you make. You will always be my favorite big girl! And to my angel Charlotte- we are bonded forever little one. I will never forget the day that the world was forever changed when you came into it.

I love yall.
<3 WhitWhit

Validation

***Disclaimer: this post is absolutely not directed at anyone or anything in particular. This is not a 'word vomit' kind of post like some of the ones in the past have been. This post is the culmination of lots of time, thought, conversations with friends and family experiencing emotional struggles of their own, and yes, my own experiences.***


Ever been dealing with an emotional struggle (of any kind) and had someone (most likely with very good intentions) completely diminish your struggle with an overly generalized (probably true!) statement? We have ALL done it, I'm almost certain. I know I have. Don't know what I mean? Here's a few examples:

You just experienced a death in the family...
Well meaning friend says: "At least they're in a better place!"

...or...

You're a new (sleep deprived, no makeup/sweatpant wearing) mom with a screaming baby in public...
Well meaning stranger says: "Oh just soak up every single second- they grow up so fast! Aren't children such a blessing!?"

...or...

You're single. Searching for love. Heartbroken...
Well meaning family member says: "Oh honey don't worry, you have plenty of time! You just have to be more patient... (Insert their love story here)"

...or...

You're 97 weeks pregnant. Fat, miserable, emotional, uncomfortable, exhausted...
Well meaning Facebook friend says: "Oh honey be thankful!! You should be so grateful you're gonna have a healthy baby!"

...or...

You've tried to lose weight and have a desire to be fit, but frustratingly fail every single time...
Well meaning friend says, "It's not that hard! If you'd just stop doing ____ and start doing _____, you'd lose weight in no time!"

...or...

You're a college student, working 3 jobs to pay for school, rent, books, food, and gas all the while studying, getting involved in extra-curricular activities to look good on a resume, and still not able to make ends meet while racking up student loan debt and surviving on Easy Mac...
Well meaning family member says, "Savor every second- these years are the best of your life! Just wait til you get into the real world and have real problems..."

...or of course, my favorite...

You've experienced years of infertility...
Well meaning person says: "Gods timing is perfect sweetie! It will happen when it's supposed to!"

Do most of these well meaning people have genuine intentions of 'making you feel better' or 'helping you gain perspective' or 'trying to give you hope' by using their wisdom and their own experiences? Absolutely. I'm sure of it. And are most of these statements actually true? Yep.

But do you feel better?
Does it work?
Does your pain go away or lessen?

No.

The answer is a resounding NO.

Oftentimes these overly generalized statements trigger such hurtful emotions that it, not only, DOESN'T HELP- but it has the potential to make things so much worse. By not truly 'hearing' them, you diminish their struggle and can even make them feel guilty for having the struggle to begin with. And sadly- a lot of times these statements come from well-meaning church members and fellow believers. Do these dismissive statements really display the love of Christ accurately to someone who's struggling?

Let's look back at our examples and see what an overly generalized statement has the potential to sound like to someone in the midst of an emotional struggle:

-You just experienced a death in the family...
Well meaning friend says: "At least they're in a better place!"

You hear: "Being sad makes you selfish! How could you wish they were back here in this cruel world instead of healed in heaven?"

-You're a new (sleep deprived, no makeup/sweatpant wearing) mom with a screaming baby in public...
Well meaning stranger says: "Oh just soak up every single second- they grow up so fast! Aren't children such a blessing!?"

You hear: "The fact that you are miserable, questioning whether or not you can do this, and contemplating setting your 'blessing' out on the front porch for a few hours, means that you AREN'T soaking up every second, you're gonna miss something and have regret. You, therefore, are a bad mother."

-You're single. Searching for love. Heartbroken...
Well meaning family member says: "Oh honey don't worry, you have plenty of time! You just have to be more patient... (Insert their love story here)"

You hear: "Stop being silly. Seriously.  You're just being dramatic. You'll find somebody one day. That should be enough hope for you not to sound so desperate."

-You're 97 weeks pregnant. Fat, miserable, emotional, uncomfortable, exhausted...
Well meaning Facebook friend says: "Oh honey be thankful!! You should be so grateful you're gonna have a healthy baby!"

You hear: "I cannot believe you would want to put your comfort before your baby's health! What a terrible, ungrateful mother!"

-You've tried to lose weight and have a desire to be fit, but frustratingly fail every single time...
Well meaning friend says, "It's not that hard! If you'd just stop doing ____ and start doing _____, you'd lose weight in no time!"

You hear: "Really? If you can't change just one little thing- then you must just be lazy!"

-You're a college student, working 3 jobs to pay for school, rent, books, food, and gas all the while studying, getting involved in extra-curricular activities to look good on a resume, and still not able to make ends meet while racking up student loan debt and surviving on Easy Mac...
Well meaning family member says, "Savor every second- these years are the best of your life! Just wait til you get into the real world and have real problems..."

You hear: "You're hilarious. If you think this is miserable- good luck. You will live a miserable life because it only gets worse from here. You can't handle REAL life. You don't have what it takes. So stop being so ridiculous and wasting the fun years."

-You've experienced years of infertility...
Well meaning person says: "Gods timing is perfect sweetie! It will happen when it's supposed to!"

You hear: "Your pain is useless right now. It's not time. And obviously you don't have enough faith. Because if you did- you would know God has a plan- and you wouldn't be hurting."

OUCH.

Are some of these examples extreme? Sure. Does it always trigger that kind of reaction? Probably not. But I'd say these overly generalized statements are so common, that after hearing it multiple times from many people- it can only make things worse. Or you become so used to not being heard, or even convince yourself that your pain isn't real- that you stuff it down or numb it some other way. If you have ever experienced an emotional struggle (haven't we all?) and in THAT MOMENT you're just trying to keep your head above water- the LAST thing you need is for someone to make you feel less than. Like you don't matter. Or your pain is pointless, selfish, and not worthy to be acknowledged.

Is this an argument to give people a license to complain all the time? No! Not at all! But when you have the opportunity to offer support to a friend- remember this need...

All humans need to feel heard. And validated.

What a concept.

What if we stopped and actually listened to someone who turns to us for support? Before we impart our wisdom on them through our own life experiences- what if we truly FELT with them? What if we stopped offering so much advice, and first, acknowledged their pain- no matter how big or how small- we know to them it MATTERS. What if we stopped saying things like, "I understand how you feel.. and this is what I think..." when most times- you probably DON'T know how they feel. And even if you do share a similar life experience- ALL THE MORE reason for you to VALIDATE their struggle and FEEL with them FIRST, before you try to pull them up by the bootstraps and fix it.

Especially going through something like infertility- I understand this is not something people really know how to handle. Up until recently- this was a very private struggle that women dealt with completely alone. Now that the issue is newly becoming more open and talked about- that also means that people are having to learn what to say. Especially the ones who have never experienced it. Emotional struggles are hard. For everyone involved. People want to help- they want you to know they're there for you- but what do you say to someone in a situation that you literally have no control over and you have no power to change? I get it. It's hard. For everybody. That's why at least having an awareness about something like this is so important. Just because you don't know what to say- don't resort to the overly generalized statements with the hopes of imparting wisdom. It can come across negatively, with a lack of care, judgmental, and completely not genuine. I know that I, in particular, have "asked" for it- because I've chosen to share my personal emotional struggle with the world through this blog. I prepared myself for a lot of the cliche general statements and try to keep the mindset of knowing that they absolutely have pure, precious intentions. They just don't know what else to say. But, on the flip side, some of the most encouraging words I've heard from people are the ones that are absolutely the most honest. The ones that say things like, "I have no idea what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain you're feeling. But I want to tell you I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you. When the time comes- you will be an incredible mother."

I cannot tell you how grateful my heart feels after someone takes the time to say simple words like that. I'm typing this through tears as I think about all the precious people who have been so encouraging to me in this way. It doesn't make me feel like my faith isn't strong enough, it doesn't make me feel like my pain is useless, it doesn't fill me with resentment or make me bitter. It makes me feel heard, loved, validated. It acknowledges the pain and makes me feel refreshed knowing I have someone in my corner praying for me- even if they don't quite understand the emotions. And when I'm in the midst of the mud of my mind that these emotional struggles can bring- it validates my feelings, and reminds me that I have hope.

If advice is what you're so anxious to give- if you do not validate one's feelings FIRST- they will never hear you.

I'm not naive to think that this concept will solve the world's problems and pull people out of the pit of deep struggles. I'm not suggesting that at all. There are some people that are so negative that they will never receive what you say- no matter how considerate or heartfelt. There are also people with struggles so deep and personal that it becomes a mental condition that requires professional help. And there's also times that after building an emotional bank with someone- tough love is needed to give perspective and snap them right out of the pity party. My sister has done that for me several times- even when I didn't want to hear it.

But- what if we threw away all the cliche, overly generalized statements? What if we truly listened, and put thought into what we say before we say it? What if we stopped giving advice, and first, validated someone's feelings? What if we changed our conversations, our Facebook comments, and texts and started putting effort into making everyone in your space feel loved, worth it, and heard? What if we stopped forcing people to stuff their pain because we minimize it consistently, over and over again because we 'don't know what else to say.'

Let's try it.

So to you, the one who has just experienced the death of someone close to you: I'm so sorry you're grieving. I cannot imagine the hurt and the loss. I'm here for you anytime you need to just be sad. I'm also praying specifically that The Lord will bring you peace.

And to you, sleep deprived mommy with the screaming child or children in public- I don't know how you do it. The fact that you're juggling so much on so little sleep baffles me. I did it for one week with 2 nephews and almost died. I admire you. You're doing an incredible job.

To my single friend, the one with the broken heart- I'm so sorry. First, do you need me to kill someone? :) And second- Dangit this sucks. I'm praying specifically for you as you work through all the emotions and uncertainty. I'm asking The Lord to fulfill His promise to be close to the brokenhearted- because nothing hurts worse. I don't have any advice or know what to tell you to do- but what I do know is that you're worth it, and you're beautiful, and you are MORE than enough.

To the pregnant friend who has an over baked baby doing jumping jacks inside your belly- I am so sorry you are so uncomfortable. Let me bring you food or do your dishes or take you to do something to take your mind off of it. That baby is so lucky to have a mama that already loves them as much as you do.

And to the friend ready for a fresh start with your health and fitness- isn't that the hardest thing? Dangit- I struggle there too. Making a complete lifestyle change is tough and oftentimes brings a lot of set backs. So basically you're really brave for making the decision. You're already an inspiration to me.

To the college student juggling 27 things, broke, tired, and trying to excel in it all- You go girl (or boy)! You've got a lot on your plate and I can't imagine how exhausting it is. I'm praying that you get rest, friendships that last a lifetime, and that you get more and more excited about how this time is preparing you for an awesome life God has planned for you!

Last but not least- to my soul sisters walking the road of infertility.... I'm so sorry. Man this sucks right? I'm sure you're feeling alone in it. I do too, sometimes. Let's pray for each other. And let's look forward to the fact that our babies- no matter how God chooses to bless us with them- have a testimony that's being written for them of God's faithfulness before they're even born. Your pain is not useless. With the Lord's help and His promises- let's walk this road together.

Are you struggling? Are your emotions trying to get the best of you? There are too many examples to count, or list here- so many people in pain, hurting, and craving support and validation. If you are experiencing this- I'm so sorry. I can't guarantee that there will be people around you who will feel with you- but the one thing I do know is that there's a God who loves you. No matter what you've done, or where you've been, or what circumstances are in your life right now. His name is Jesus Christ. In fact- He died to know you. He understands. He knows your pain. And He even begs us to bring our problems to Him- so He can carry them for us.

He says, "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy burdened- and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Do you know Him? If not, I'd love to introduce you to Him. He cares deeply for you. And is ready and waiting to give you rest.

What would our relationships look like if we became intentional about our conversations of support for our friends and family? Do you think if their pain was validated they'd be more open to hearing about the love of Christ? Or if we stopped giving so much advice but started empathizing with love- we'd make a difference in someone's life? I don't know about you, but I think I'd like to try.

2013: A Year of Stuffing.

Well here we are. It's been almost 8 months since I've given a fertility update! I hope everyone has been doing well and has had an incredible 2013! We certainly have! We celebrated the birth of my precious nephew James Henry and we also celebrated the 5 year old birthday of big boy nephew Wil Franklin! Duane and I have also both been building our businesses. The favor of The Lord on Timberline and Mary Kay has been humbling! He has come through for us countless times and taught us to never lose faith! We are SO HONORED to be living this life and wouldn't trade it for the world.

Does a new year make you reflect? Man, it does for me. It usually starts for me at Christmas. I start thinking about the year before- and then I spend the next several days reflecting and thinking about the year to come. This year, it's been a little different. It started for me around thanksgiving and hasn't stopped all of December. Reflection and thinking. Planning and thinking. Praying and reflecting. Off and on and off and on. About everything. About life. About my relationship with The Lord. About business. About friendships. And yes, about babies. Since this is a blog about our journey through infertility- I won't bore you with all of it- we'll focus on the last one..

Let me sum up our fertility journey of 2013 for you in one word: Nonexistent.

For me- I was finding myself in a VERY dark place. Around the beginning of the year we quit. I needed a break. I took some meds to help treat the symptoms of PCOS- but overall- we quit. This entire year for me has been spent BLOCKING it all out. I was tired. I was hurting. I couldn't handle it. I kept stuffing down the feeling of sadness or the planning or the research or the hurt or the overthinking or the medicine or the questions from people- I kept stuffing it further and further down and stopped allowing myself to feel ANYTHING about fertility. I allowed myself to become numb to it. If you asked me about my progress during the year- you probably got a plastic smile and robotic answer about how we're taking a little bit of a break but trusting in the Lords timing. As I had programmed myself to say...

I wish I could tell you that I was content and resting in the peace of The Lord- but honestly I was just pretending it wasn't happening to me. I was pretending that the time just wasn't right and I don't want children right now. I was lying to myself and forcing myself to believe that I was too young and had plenty of time and that kids weren't in the 'business plan' for us right now. There's not a bit wrong with those statements- except- it wasn't true. I was lying to myself to stuff the pain. It was easier to just 'enjoy my nephews' and 'distract' myself from having to deal with what was really going on inside.

It wasn't until around October that the shell started to crack. My dear friend Jennifer Redman had text me to let me know that her, her mom, and her aunt Myra had a gift for me. I had no idea what the gift was or how special it would end up being to me. Jen came over and called her mom, Jeanine, and Aunt Myra and had them on speaker phone so they could explain the gift to me. Jeanine began by telling me about a very vivid vision she had one day while praying for Duane and me. I believe that The Lord speaks to people in very different ways and Jeanine is one of those dear prayer warrior friends that hears very specific things from The Lord often. I so treasure her prayers. As she was praying for us and our future child- she had seen Duane and I- standing at the front of a church holding our baby, wrapped in a beautiful long white blanket, dedicating him/her to The Lord. It was an incredible moment to hear her describe the scene. So being the compassionate women that they are- Jeanine called her sister Myra to hand make me and Duane a white, crocheted, baby blanket. As Jen pulled this work of art out of the bag- I wept. It was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on.  Not only was it beautiful, and had taken MONTHS to complete- but it had also been anointed with oil- and passed around from Godly person to Godly person to pray over and pray over. For us. For our baby. And for Gods plan in our lives. They ended the call with Myra praying the most precious prayer over us and our child. The thing that stuck out the most to me was when Myra prayed, "Lord thank you so much for the testimony that you've already given this child before they are even conceived."
Wow.
I have never thought of it that way before.
It was literally was of the most treasured moments of this journey. Duane and I both wept.
Thank you Jen, Jeanine, and Myra- you absolutely have no idea how much that blanket means to me. It is a comfort and a constant reminder of Gods faithfulness and incredible people who are always praying for us. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

From then on- situation after situation was forcing me to be honest with myself. It was forcing me to allow those feelings to surface. For me to actually deal with what I was feeling so that we could move forward and I could, maybe even dare say, ENJOY the journey. Slowly but surely it began to rise up- and by thanksgiving- I was ready to start talking about it again. I was TIRED of beating myself up. I was TIRED of stuffing my feelings down my own throat and making myself feel stupid for my desire to have children. It's over. Let's be real- and let's move forward.

So here I am. About to start 2014. With word vomit of all I'm feeling. I'm sad. This sucks. I'm hopeful. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm doubtful. I'm faithful. I'm jealous. I'm joyful. I'm hurting. I'm proactive. I'm empty. I'm open. I'm prayerful.
Who cares what I'm feeling..... The most important part: I feel.

Bottom line: Duane and I are seriously praying about starting our fertility process again in early 2014. We are finishing up paperwork with a new insurance company and taking steps in the fertility direction. All I'm asking for is your prayers. Opening myself up to this process again scares the crap out of me. It's hard. Sometimes, it's brutal. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's really confusing- but this is what I know: God has placed a desire on my heart for children that has not gone away- no matter how much I lie to myself. I also know that despite the fear, the anxiety, and the scary unknown- I also feel at peace with the decisions we're making. So, your prayers for wisdom and continued peace is appreciated more than you know.

Here's what I've learned from this year: sometimes taking time for yourself is necessary. But don't allow the time you're taking for yourself to make you become numb and separate you from truly feeling and experiencing the incredible blessings that The Lord wants to place on your life. And yes, I'm even talking about the blessings that He wants to place on you through your pain. Or if you're like me- and need to feel numb for awhile- stop beating yourself up for it. Take the hurt to Him. Seek His plan. Don't just go to church and hope you get something out of it if the preacher does a good job that day. SEEK. CRY out. Do what you have to do to gain wisdom in what you're facing. He will answer you. He WILL bring peace. And He will never make you feel stupid for the pain.

To my friends who have cared for Duane and me for almost two years when I posted my first blogpost- thank you. Seriously thank you. Hopefully- just maybe- The Lord can take this journey and specific struggle to do at least two things: first, bring honor to His name, and second, bring someone closer to knowing Him. If that happens- it's ALL worth it.

I love you guys!
Happy New Year!
-Whitney

Ephesians 3:20 in the house!

For most of you that keep up with us through Facebook- you will know that on April 5, 2013 at 7:41AM, my family was given the greatest gift. My sister, Amberly, gave birth to James Henry Collins- weighing in at a whopping 7lbs. 6oz and measuring 20" long. He is perfect. Like his brother- these two very special young men are incredible, special gifts that were prayed and prayed for long before they were ever conceived. Wil Franklin is the ULTIMATE big bro- and sometimes my heart just catches in my throat when I see them together. If there is ever a moment I doubt God's plan- that thought is SHATTERED when I get to hold my precious nephews in my arms. There is literally no greater joy that having the honor of these precious gifts in my life.

After 7 years of infertility, 7 failed IUI procedures, IVF, ovarian hyperstimulation resulting in a 5 day hospital stay, 2 uterian bleeds thought to be a miscarriage, another overnight hospital stay, very high risk, scary pregnancy, and a TRUCK load of prayer......
We humbly and excitedly introduce (future President of the United States! ha!) James Henry Collins.

 

 

 

 

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

 

Love yall!

<3 Aunt WhitWhit

Sad is OK.

Today was sad. I'm not sure how it started. I'm not even sure why it started. But today was one of those days that I just wanted to crawl under my covers, pull them over my head, scream, then sleep. I guess it was a culmination of a couple of things. Some of them, I'm even a little embarrassed to admit. But for whatever reason- it happened. Sad, frustrating, emotional, heart breaking, brutal day.

I'll start by saying that my treatment is going really well. I'm on some medication, prescribed by my incredible doctor, to help treat the symptoms of PCOS. I'm really working to lose weight, get my insulin/hormones under control, make sure I'm eating healthier, drinking plenty of water, and lots and lots of exercise. So- I can tell in just a couple weeks that I'm already feeling a MILLION times better. I did have a couple 'incidences' of pretty rough nausea and upset tummy during the medicine switch- but hey, I'm a pro at that now:) I'm super excited about where we're headed and I completely feel at peace that we're taking the right steps toward my health.

Having said that- this day... Really caught me off guard.

Lets rewind to Friday. My sweet hubs was working on a job out of town and came across these sweet, orphaned puppies. They were for sure abandoned, skinny, scared, and literally as cute as can be. He decided to take the female and his partner took the male in the hopes of finding them a great home. I instantly fell in love. That precious puppy was calm, very snuggly, cute as a button, and smart as a whip. Now, we already have 2 big dogs that I adore- Trixie and Daisy- our two black labs. Duane and I both agreed that it was completely unwise to keep a third in our small backyard, in addition to a third vet bill... No matter how much we loved her. So, I immediately started posting on Facebook, sending out a couple of texts, and asking everyone I knew if they were interested in our little Lula Belle. (Yes, I named her... Dumb move I know!) We ended up keeping her Friday night, and all morning/afternoon on Saturday. I worked most of the day, so she spent a lot of time with our dogs in the yard. She loved it. And of course, they got along great. That afternoon I took her to get a bath, and we took a fun ride in the car, we cuddled, we played.... Yep. I was hooked.

Now, I'd like to take a brief pause and clarify one thing. I am not a HUGE dog person. Don't get me wrong- I love my animals, my family has always had animals, and we probably always will. But...for example: Those sad animal commercials don't really phase me- I'd much rather send my money to an adoption agency whose goal is to rescue CHILDREN from bad, abusive, or orphaned situations. But that's just me. I think dogs/animals are ridiculously cool and people who have a heart for animals are also ridiculously cool- it's just not really my thing. My hubs is definitely the one who does all the taking care of our dogs. I just get to do the fun part- like play and pet. :)

So that's why this strangely strong attraction to this puppy was so weird to me. I mean she was cute, but that had never been a reason to reel me in as hard as this one did. I knew we reeeeeally needed to find her another home- but, with my whole heart, I really didn't want to. So, Saturday night rolled around and we got a call from a guy interested in meeting her. D and I rode up to meet him with little Lula Belle in tow, and he ended up becoming her new daddy. He was a great guy who loved animals so I felt totally ok with it. That was.... Until I got in the car and started to drive away. I sobbed. I was so so sad. I could not understand why this DOG was such a big deal to me. I shook it off, grabbed some zaxbys to eat away my emotions (so much for my diet) and headed home for the night. D had to go finish up a job for a few hours so Jen came over and helped cheer me up with watching some hilarious YouTube videos. I was starting to feel better but was completely exhausted and just feeling 'ick.' Ever felt 'ick' before? Just icky and irritable.

On to this morning...

We overslept. Missed Sunday School. Completely felt the same 'ick' as the night before, and really really wish I could say that I wouldn't have just kept on sleeping if I hadn't agreed to help in the 3 year old nursery. Lovely.
Well, got up. Went to church. Helped in nursery and had a flippin blast. I've helped with that class before, but this time, I don't know why... Just completely filled my heart up to the brim. Those sweet angels were singing all their worship songs, answering questions about Jesus, learning about asking Him into their hearts, and saying some of the most hilarious things. I left there feeling blessed, but for some reason, deep down, I also felt this ache in my gut...
We had lunch with some good friends, got home home, the hubs left to play golf... And there I was.
Strangely icky and achy.
I decided it was because I was just missing Lula and so I came up with the brilliant plan to take my oldest pup to get a bath and spend some quality time with her. Did I mention that I don't really do a lot of the 'taking care of the dogs' chores around here? So a completely soaked, and exhausted hour later we got back home- BOTH of us bathed. Not the 'quality' time I was hoping for.

I sat down. Took a deep breath. I made some calls. Did some work planning. Made some lists. Did around the house. Tried to shake it but I couldn't.

Maybe I should take a nap? No. Not really tired. Eat? No. Not really hungry. Clean? No. Definitely not clean.

Facebook. I'll just check Facebook.
And that's when it hit me.

Scrolling through my newsfeed.. This is what I saw.

Ultrasound.
Precious babies.
Puppy picture.
Random food picture.
Ultrasound.
Ultrasound.
Gender reveal party pictures.
Baby 'bump' picture.
Daylight savings 'tired' status.
Baby.
Baby.
Ultrasound.

It was everywhere. Everything started coming together. It all made sense.
Having to give up a baby puppy- that I loved- that was mine- that I cared for.
Keeping the sweet angels in preschool- and walking out of that room without one to take home.
Seeing everyone I knew (dramatic, but you get it) having a baby, celebrating babies, and talking about babies. Normally, a HUGE source of joy for me..
My ache. My 'ick.' My bad mood. It was my heart breaking for a baby. For my turn. For my opportunity to celebrate a new life with people I love. For me and Duane to experience the joy, the sleep deprivation, the spit ups, the bath times, the cuddling, the kisses, and the love that we so desperately desired. When will it happen? I'm not even on fertility meds so how far into the future is this baby?

I cried. Hard.
I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
It was not bitterness, but the uncertainty of all this stuff- and the waiting.. It was too much.
I curled up in a ball, in my favorite chair, and I let it out.

That's when I heard it. Strong and clear. In my tears, in the midst of almost a literal, physical pain of heartbreak.. I heard..

Be Sad. It's ok.
Over and over again I heard... Be sad. Cry. It's ok. I'm here.

So I did. I didn't try to pull it together. I didn't try to shake it off anymore. I just cried. I cried until my husband came home.

(Since this is so depressing, can we pause together for a brief comical moment...)
You know how when you're upset, and especially in moments like this you can't really even explain WHY you're upset... And especially to a man? (I mean, clearly- it's taken me 8 years just to get to this part of the story.) Well I tried, very unsuccessfully to explain why I was sobbing like a child to my husband. It came out something like- "And the puppy. And I'm sad. And I don't feel good. And I want a baby so bad. And I need to work out. And I don't think I can go to church. And my heart hurts. And the nursery this morning. And I'm thankful for you. And I'm sad. And I just need to be sad. And I trust The Lord. And I'm just irritable. And It's just a bad day. And I'm just sad. And I love you."
PLEASE tell me someone else can relate to this conversation???
And then of course, his response was something like, "Its ok honey. Gods timing is perfect. We'll be ok. You'll be ok. We'll get through it. I just love you so much- but I don't love your bad breath so much."
Hahah! Oh the joy of man vs. woman. Gotta love it.

Back to the story...
After letting my husband 'console' me (really- he was super sweet after the bad breath comment), we both agreed it was best I stay home and collect myself and not try to attempt church. But I couldn't sit. I couldn't just wallow in my sadness. I felt like I had so much emotion from the weekend pumping through my veins that if I didn't get it out- I would scream.

So I went and ran. For 45 minutes (aka... Who am I? I hate cardio.) I ran, I sweat, I cried while sweating, I blasted great music in my ears. (I probably looked like a complete freak show to my fellow gym members- but I didn't care.) It was therapeutic. And I felt 100 times better. I ate. I ran to the grocery store. I text my sister. I came home a new woman.

And so now, here I sit. Eating Girl Scout cookies (go figure) and thinking about the day. And I'm so thankful for it.

For the first time in this journey, I didn't have a little voice telling me that my tears were selfish. I didn't feel stupid for not being able to hold it together. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to shake it off. I let it out. And I heard The Lord clearly speak to my heart that SAD is OK. He hears my prayers, He knows my heart's desire is to trust His timing, He knows I don't have the ability to just 'handle it.' Just like we say to fellow Christians, "You can't just love Him in the good times- we have to praise Him in the hard times too." The same applies to how God feels about me. He doesn't just love me when I've 'got it all together' and I'm rocking it, and I'm content, and I'm faithful. He loves me just as much when I break down. When I allow my emotions to take over. When I hurt- He hurts.
This wasn't a time in this walk where I questioned God, or came to a crossroads in my faith, or I had some major surrender to Gods will.
I have no other way to explain it but just... Sadness.
I trust Him. I believe Him. I know I'll have a precious baby when the time is divinely ordained. And I really am content....... But that ache. It's brutal.

Ever read that 2 word verse in John that definitely packs a punch? Well... In case you haven't- it reads...
"Jesus wept." John 11:35

His trust in His Fathers will wasn't wavering, He hadn't lost His faith, He wasn't in sin, He wasn't less God because of His tears- He was just as much God as He was human- He was sad. He had lost a dear friend. And He was sad. End of story.

So I ask you, friend... What burden are you carrying? What 'ache' grips your heart and gives you those unexplainable days or moments? I want you to hear me when I say- Be sad. Sad is ok. Cry if you have to. WEEP if you have to. Let it out. Tell Jesus. He knows what it feels like. He wept too. His heart hurts with you. You are not dumb. You are not weak. And you are not selfish. Be sad. Sad is ok. Then, surround yourself with people who love you. Listen to a song that lifts you up. Head to the gym and take it out on the treadmill. Spend some time with Jesus. And if you've never done that, or you've never met Him- I sure would love to introduce you to Him. It's totally worth it. You are not alone. And He promises, "Joy comes with the morning." Do you know Him?

Thank you for letting me 'think out' my emotions. Thank you for letting me share my heart every time I post on this blog without fear of judgement. You may not understand the ache of infertility. That's ok. Every one has their own journey to walk, and burdens to carry. Whatever your 'thing' is- know that your sadness does not signal 'less faith.' I'm thankful for today and the incredibly important reminder that- sad really is ok.

<3 Whitney