Ephesians 3:20 in the house!

For most of you that keep up with us through Facebook- you will know that on April 5, 2013 at 7:41AM, my family was given the greatest gift. My sister, Amberly, gave birth to James Henry Collins- weighing in at a whopping 7lbs. 6oz and measuring 20" long. He is perfect. Like his brother- these two very special young men are incredible, special gifts that were prayed and prayed for long before they were ever conceived. Wil Franklin is the ULTIMATE big bro- and sometimes my heart just catches in my throat when I see them together. If there is ever a moment I doubt God's plan- that thought is SHATTERED when I get to hold my precious nephews in my arms. There is literally no greater joy that having the honor of these precious gifts in my life.

After 7 years of infertility, 7 failed IUI procedures, IVF, ovarian hyperstimulation resulting in a 5 day hospital stay, 2 uterian bleeds thought to be a miscarriage, another overnight hospital stay, very high risk, scary pregnancy, and a TRUCK load of prayer......
We humbly and excitedly introduce (future President of the United States! ha!) James Henry Collins.

 

 

 

 

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

 

Love yall!

<3 Aunt WhitWhit

Sad is OK.

Today was sad. I'm not sure how it started. I'm not even sure why it started. But today was one of those days that I just wanted to crawl under my covers, pull them over my head, scream, then sleep. I guess it was a culmination of a couple of things. Some of them, I'm even a little embarrassed to admit. But for whatever reason- it happened. Sad, frustrating, emotional, heart breaking, brutal day.

I'll start by saying that my treatment is going really well. I'm on some medication, prescribed by my incredible doctor, to help treat the symptoms of PCOS. I'm really working to lose weight, get my insulin/hormones under control, make sure I'm eating healthier, drinking plenty of water, and lots and lots of exercise. So- I can tell in just a couple weeks that I'm already feeling a MILLION times better. I did have a couple 'incidences' of pretty rough nausea and upset tummy during the medicine switch- but hey, I'm a pro at that now:) I'm super excited about where we're headed and I completely feel at peace that we're taking the right steps toward my health.

Having said that- this day... Really caught me off guard.

Lets rewind to Friday. My sweet hubs was working on a job out of town and came across these sweet, orphaned puppies. They were for sure abandoned, skinny, scared, and literally as cute as can be. He decided to take the female and his partner took the male in the hopes of finding them a great home. I instantly fell in love. That precious puppy was calm, very snuggly, cute as a button, and smart as a whip. Now, we already have 2 big dogs that I adore- Trixie and Daisy- our two black labs. Duane and I both agreed that it was completely unwise to keep a third in our small backyard, in addition to a third vet bill... No matter how much we loved her. So, I immediately started posting on Facebook, sending out a couple of texts, and asking everyone I knew if they were interested in our little Lula Belle. (Yes, I named her... Dumb move I know!) We ended up keeping her Friday night, and all morning/afternoon on Saturday. I worked most of the day, so she spent a lot of time with our dogs in the yard. She loved it. And of course, they got along great. That afternoon I took her to get a bath, and we took a fun ride in the car, we cuddled, we played.... Yep. I was hooked.

Now, I'd like to take a brief pause and clarify one thing. I am not a HUGE dog person. Don't get me wrong- I love my animals, my family has always had animals, and we probably always will. But...for example: Those sad animal commercials don't really phase me- I'd much rather send my money to an adoption agency whose goal is to rescue CHILDREN from bad, abusive, or orphaned situations. But that's just me. I think dogs/animals are ridiculously cool and people who have a heart for animals are also ridiculously cool- it's just not really my thing. My hubs is definitely the one who does all the taking care of our dogs. I just get to do the fun part- like play and pet. :)

So that's why this strangely strong attraction to this puppy was so weird to me. I mean she was cute, but that had never been a reason to reel me in as hard as this one did. I knew we reeeeeally needed to find her another home- but, with my whole heart, I really didn't want to. So, Saturday night rolled around and we got a call from a guy interested in meeting her. D and I rode up to meet him with little Lula Belle in tow, and he ended up becoming her new daddy. He was a great guy who loved animals so I felt totally ok with it. That was.... Until I got in the car and started to drive away. I sobbed. I was so so sad. I could not understand why this DOG was such a big deal to me. I shook it off, grabbed some zaxbys to eat away my emotions (so much for my diet) and headed home for the night. D had to go finish up a job for a few hours so Jen came over and helped cheer me up with watching some hilarious YouTube videos. I was starting to feel better but was completely exhausted and just feeling 'ick.' Ever felt 'ick' before? Just icky and irritable.

On to this morning...

We overslept. Missed Sunday School. Completely felt the same 'ick' as the night before, and really really wish I could say that I wouldn't have just kept on sleeping if I hadn't agreed to help in the 3 year old nursery. Lovely.
Well, got up. Went to church. Helped in nursery and had a flippin blast. I've helped with that class before, but this time, I don't know why... Just completely filled my heart up to the brim. Those sweet angels were singing all their worship songs, answering questions about Jesus, learning about asking Him into their hearts, and saying some of the most hilarious things. I left there feeling blessed, but for some reason, deep down, I also felt this ache in my gut...
We had lunch with some good friends, got home home, the hubs left to play golf... And there I was.
Strangely icky and achy.
I decided it was because I was just missing Lula and so I came up with the brilliant plan to take my oldest pup to get a bath and spend some quality time with her. Did I mention that I don't really do a lot of the 'taking care of the dogs' chores around here? So a completely soaked, and exhausted hour later we got back home- BOTH of us bathed. Not the 'quality' time I was hoping for.

I sat down. Took a deep breath. I made some calls. Did some work planning. Made some lists. Did around the house. Tried to shake it but I couldn't.

Maybe I should take a nap? No. Not really tired. Eat? No. Not really hungry. Clean? No. Definitely not clean.

Facebook. I'll just check Facebook.
And that's when it hit me.

Scrolling through my newsfeed.. This is what I saw.

Ultrasound.
Precious babies.
Puppy picture.
Random food picture.
Ultrasound.
Ultrasound.
Gender reveal party pictures.
Baby 'bump' picture.
Daylight savings 'tired' status.
Baby.
Baby.
Ultrasound.

It was everywhere. Everything started coming together. It all made sense.
Having to give up a baby puppy- that I loved- that was mine- that I cared for.
Keeping the sweet angels in preschool- and walking out of that room without one to take home.
Seeing everyone I knew (dramatic, but you get it) having a baby, celebrating babies, and talking about babies. Normally, a HUGE source of joy for me..
My ache. My 'ick.' My bad mood. It was my heart breaking for a baby. For my turn. For my opportunity to celebrate a new life with people I love. For me and Duane to experience the joy, the sleep deprivation, the spit ups, the bath times, the cuddling, the kisses, and the love that we so desperately desired. When will it happen? I'm not even on fertility meds so how far into the future is this baby?

I cried. Hard.
I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
It was not bitterness, but the uncertainty of all this stuff- and the waiting.. It was too much.
I curled up in a ball, in my favorite chair, and I let it out.

That's when I heard it. Strong and clear. In my tears, in the midst of almost a literal, physical pain of heartbreak.. I heard..

Be Sad. It's ok.
Over and over again I heard... Be sad. Cry. It's ok. I'm here.

So I did. I didn't try to pull it together. I didn't try to shake it off anymore. I just cried. I cried until my husband came home.

(Since this is so depressing, can we pause together for a brief comical moment...)
You know how when you're upset, and especially in moments like this you can't really even explain WHY you're upset... And especially to a man? (I mean, clearly- it's taken me 8 years just to get to this part of the story.) Well I tried, very unsuccessfully to explain why I was sobbing like a child to my husband. It came out something like- "And the puppy. And I'm sad. And I don't feel good. And I want a baby so bad. And I need to work out. And I don't think I can go to church. And my heart hurts. And the nursery this morning. And I'm thankful for you. And I'm sad. And I just need to be sad. And I trust The Lord. And I'm just irritable. And It's just a bad day. And I'm just sad. And I love you."
PLEASE tell me someone else can relate to this conversation???
And then of course, his response was something like, "Its ok honey. Gods timing is perfect. We'll be ok. You'll be ok. We'll get through it. I just love you so much- but I don't love your bad breath so much."
Hahah! Oh the joy of man vs. woman. Gotta love it.

Back to the story...
After letting my husband 'console' me (really- he was super sweet after the bad breath comment), we both agreed it was best I stay home and collect myself and not try to attempt church. But I couldn't sit. I couldn't just wallow in my sadness. I felt like I had so much emotion from the weekend pumping through my veins that if I didn't get it out- I would scream.

So I went and ran. For 45 minutes (aka... Who am I? I hate cardio.) I ran, I sweat, I cried while sweating, I blasted great music in my ears. (I probably looked like a complete freak show to my fellow gym members- but I didn't care.) It was therapeutic. And I felt 100 times better. I ate. I ran to the grocery store. I text my sister. I came home a new woman.

And so now, here I sit. Eating Girl Scout cookies (go figure) and thinking about the day. And I'm so thankful for it.

For the first time in this journey, I didn't have a little voice telling me that my tears were selfish. I didn't feel stupid for not being able to hold it together. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to shake it off. I let it out. And I heard The Lord clearly speak to my heart that SAD is OK. He hears my prayers, He knows my heart's desire is to trust His timing, He knows I don't have the ability to just 'handle it.' Just like we say to fellow Christians, "You can't just love Him in the good times- we have to praise Him in the hard times too." The same applies to how God feels about me. He doesn't just love me when I've 'got it all together' and I'm rocking it, and I'm content, and I'm faithful. He loves me just as much when I break down. When I allow my emotions to take over. When I hurt- He hurts.
This wasn't a time in this walk where I questioned God, or came to a crossroads in my faith, or I had some major surrender to Gods will.
I have no other way to explain it but just... Sadness.
I trust Him. I believe Him. I know I'll have a precious baby when the time is divinely ordained. And I really am content....... But that ache. It's brutal.

Ever read that 2 word verse in John that definitely packs a punch? Well... In case you haven't- it reads...
"Jesus wept." John 11:35

His trust in His Fathers will wasn't wavering, He hadn't lost His faith, He wasn't in sin, He wasn't less God because of His tears- He was just as much God as He was human- He was sad. He had lost a dear friend. And He was sad. End of story.

So I ask you, friend... What burden are you carrying? What 'ache' grips your heart and gives you those unexplainable days or moments? I want you to hear me when I say- Be sad. Sad is ok. Cry if you have to. WEEP if you have to. Let it out. Tell Jesus. He knows what it feels like. He wept too. His heart hurts with you. You are not dumb. You are not weak. And you are not selfish. Be sad. Sad is ok. Then, surround yourself with people who love you. Listen to a song that lifts you up. Head to the gym and take it out on the treadmill. Spend some time with Jesus. And if you've never done that, or you've never met Him- I sure would love to introduce you to Him. It's totally worth it. You are not alone. And He promises, "Joy comes with the morning." Do you know Him?

Thank you for letting me 'think out' my emotions. Thank you for letting me share my heart every time I post on this blog without fear of judgement. You may not understand the ache of infertility. That's ok. Every one has their own journey to walk, and burdens to carry. Whatever your 'thing' is- know that your sadness does not signal 'less faith.' I'm thankful for today and the incredibly important reminder that- sad really is ok.

<3 Whitney

My God is ABLE! Do you know HIM?

Well well well- long time no see! How are y'all!?
Happy NEW YEAR!! I just KNOW 2013 is going to be the BEST year YET!

It's been a long time since I've updated and I know y'all have just been hanging on to the edge of your seats waiting to know what's happening with my uterus- so please accept my sincerest apologies! :) There's a couple reasons I haven't updated. The first is just that until I have something earth shattering to share (ha!), it's hard for me to just sit down and type. The second is because for the majority of the last couple of months I've dealt with a LOT of frustration and heartache- and every time I sat down to explain what was going on- it was just too much. I have to say that these last few months have been some of the hardest we've had "fertility-wise." Now let me be really clear about this one thing before I elaborate... We are SO thankful with all the blessings that have been poured out on us recently- so please don't read this as a "let me complain about my life post." Because let's face it- Duane and I have a TON to be thankful for. Baby or no baby- I am humbled and in awe of how great of a life we lead and what our future holds. God is good. He is teaching us, He is pruning us, He is chiseling us in a LOT of ways. So even in the heartache times- God is good. Am I super Christian and able to confidently proclaim God's goodness everyday in the midst of a trial- uhhh NO. But regardless of when I'm faithless and I waver in my trust and belief- God is still faithful.

On to the last couple of months....

The last time I updated in September I was about to start a new round of fertility drugs. It was also during that time my hubs quit his full time job and went to work for himself (whoooo!! So proud of my babe!!). The only glitch was having to change insurances because we had originally had insurance through his job. We got it worked out- the only problem was that my doctor was not covered on our new insurance. Now, I'll have to say- I wasn't exactly devastated because I was very frustrated with my doctor at the time. In his defense- fertility is not his specialty so I just felt like we had come to a point in our relationship that we each needed to move on. Now keep in mind- on all of these hormonal drugs- it is very trying on your emotions (can any of my metformin/clomid/provera sisters relate?!?). So even with feeling ok with my decision to find a new doctor also came the emotions of......... Oh. My. Gosh. Am I really starting this ALL over again????? I felt stuck. I felt helpless. I felt like I had wasted almost a year of putting my body through you know where and back. I'll go as far as to say I felt.... Unimportant.

So insert my brilliant plan ...here....

At the end of September I was over it. I immediately took myself off ALL my medicine.
I quit.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt like everything I was doing wasn't working- so why should I put myself through that kind of misery for..... Well.... Nothing.

Also, the first week of October- my sweet granddaddy went to be with Jesus. Hard. I then got the flu and had 2 cortisone injections in my left knee joint. Ew. And ouch. So for the next month- I blocked it out. I didn't talk about it- I tried not to think about it and I pretended like everything was fine and dandy. When in reality- I cried almost every night. October was a rough month that I'd prefer not to think about.

Insert God intervention ...here...

One of my best friends and roommates from college, Katie, and her husband Todd, were in town for a friend's wedding and wanted to meet up. We got together at Starbucks, talked, laughed, and did some catching up. Boy, have me and this girl got some stories! Good times. Anywho- she asked about my fertility stuff and I just honestly told her I was struggling and had taken myself off everything. I just had to take a break for awhile. Also, that I was on the look out for a new doctor. Katie's dad is actually a gynecologist in the Jackson, TN area- and we've always talked about how I wished I was more local so I could just be treated by him. Someone I trust. She told me she'd be praying for me- we wrapped up our visit for them to get on the road and then we were on our way.

A few nights later- I was laying in bed and was honestly, going to bed feeling really ding dang dong sorry for myself. (Not me!) It had been a rough couple of weeks, I was exhausted, not feeling good, and having a downright- good ole pity party in my head. Poor pitiful me.
I begrudgingly picked up my phone to pull up my bible app so I could check the day's 'quiet time' off the list. When to my surprise the verse of the day read something like this: "always give thanks for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.." Ephesians 5:20. I was instantly convicted for my terrible attitude and lack of perspective. So, laying there in bed, I started making a list of everything in my life I was thankful for. It immediately brought me back to reality at what a blessed life I lead. I asked for forgiveness and honestly- went to bed feeling a little stupid for my 'woe is me' attitude.

The NEXT day really changed it all for me.

At about 9pm I got a call from none other than, Dr. D, Katie's precious dad. I get all teary thinking about that conversation. He told me that Katie had explained my situation and he wanted to help. He treats PCOS multiple times a week, and if I'd have him, he'd like to treat me and help me get healthy. We talked strategy, symptoms, medicines, and emotions. He called in my prescriptions and within one day I was back on track, renewed, with clarity and a heart full of gratitude. I went from being helpless and feeling unimportant to feeling loved and cared for by someone who knows how to help me. God answers prayer and is just BEGGING us to trust Him. He wants to PROVE His unfailing love to us EVEN when choose to be faithless.
Over the next several months I began another couple of rounds of medicines, started feeling normal again, and even got to visit him in his office in Jackson. You know God has blessed you with an incredible doctor when the first words out of his mouth in that office are, "Ok sweetie, lets pray." And he specifically asks The Lord for wisdom in his treatment, so that His will is done, and for my assurance that it isn't medicine, but the Great Physician at work. The best thing he said to me that day was, "Sweetheart I want you to know that God hurts with you- He hears you- and His heart hurts with yours." How comforting to know that even though God has called me to walk this specific journey with Him- He still hurts with me and feels my heartache.

My medicine has been successful in getting regulated and making me feel better. With Dr. D's advice and some prayer- we've decided to hold off with fertility drugs for the next several months and focus on treating the symptoms of PCOS. We do this with the hopes that when we start trying again- I'll be healthier and the road will be a little smoother.

So there it is- 4 months in one. I want to praise The Lord for where He has brought us. When the road gets tough, my nature is to run and hide (hey, remember when I took myself off all my meds?!) but thankfully The Lord doesn't do that. He always stands firm. He never wavers. He never fails us. And He is always faithful.

Katie: Thank you for being a 'soul sister' and for standing by me down this road. And for all that you've done in helping me stay connected with your dad, office visits, a place to stay, and always lots of fun! I love you more than you know. You're an incredible friend.

Dr. D and Mrs. Liz: Thank you so much to the love you've always shown our family- but especially in how you've gone completely out of your way to make sure I'm cared for medically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what I've done to deserve friends and another set of 'parents' like y'all- but I am SO thankful. I know The Lord is going to continue to pour His blessings on y'all for as much as you give to others. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love y'all!




Now, this post would not be complete without a shout-out to my awesome sister who is going to be 29 weeks on Saturday!! Praise the Lord!! This pregnancy has been HARD. It's been scary at times, but as you all well know- we serve a pretty cool God. He has purposely sustained this pregnancy- and even where she stands right now- this baby is VIABLE! To God be the GLORY! Baby Henry- you are already one tough cookie and your WhitWhit cant wait to squeeze those sweet cheeks!

Thank you for your continued prayers. It's incredibly cool to have people who actually care about what's going on in my world. And to all of you girls still walking this road with me- when the going gets tough- there's only one place to turn- its to the Savior. He hears. He hurts with you. He knows your heartache. And only HE can offer the comfort, peace, and hope that you need.

I love y'all.
<3 Whit

Sweet Child Of Mine..

So. The other night I was sitting downstairs pretty late. I was all by myself watching television. Duane had gone to sleep and I was just restless. I came across an episode of Teen Mom. Now, before you judge me- I don't actually keep up with the show. But, D and I watch it from time to time because one of the girls is from Chattanooga and Duane was actually pretty good friends with her "baby daddy" back in the day. So it's actually pretty funny to us. "Funny" may not actually be the word I'm looking for. To be honest- the show makes me pretty sad. Mostly just sad for the children who are born into situations they can't change. But I will say that I appreciate the fact that they show lots of different options like adoption. They also don't seem to sugarcoat the consequences of making adult decisions (premarital sex) when you're NOT an adult and not married. 

Anywho- I did not post to give my opinions on Teen Mom. The point of ALL that is to say that sitting in my living room, downstairs, late, by myself, alone in my thoughts- I had a moment. Now, these moments don't come often. They are actually very FEW and far between. But when they come- they seem to hit me right in the face with a 2x4. (Ouch) Usually these are moments of just unexpected, complete and total sadness. Circumstances become real and the pain comes out. So, let's be real...it's basically one big, fat, snotty, sob fest.

Now, before this post takes a downhill turn into the...."please feel sorry for me" category-- I want to reinforce the fact that this doesn't happen very often. I'm really "okay" about this whole situation- and, like my sister taught me, most often times I feel honored that Lord has called me to a special relationship with Him and to walk a different journey than others. I don't say that to sound prideful or "holier than thou" at all. Just like you have a very specific journey to walk in Christ- this is mine. Deep down on the inside I KNOW that God is in control, I trust Him at His Word, and I know His timing is perfect. Having said that- I'M not perfect. And it is usually the most random things that will trigger these moments.

Case in point: Teen Mom.

As I sat there, at 2 AM, and watched those precious babies and their mommies..
I sobbed. I cried. I sobbed. I cried.
And then I began to pray. I prayed for peace. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for faith. And then for the first time that I can remember...I prayed for my unborn child.

As I prayed and thought about my future baby- I started to think about the importance of being a parent. And even though I'm waiting for that precious day- my responsibility NOW is to do my best to prepare myself for that most important role. So to remind myself- I wrote it down. (Shocker- I know) And I'd like for you to share in this with me.

To my baby:

I haven't met you yet. But I cannot describe to you my love for you. Your daddy and I have prayed and prayed. Here is our prayer:

I pray that you will love the Lord with all your heart, mind, body and soul. I pray that you will view the world- every circumstance, dream, relationship, challenge, obstacle, opportunity, talent, etc- through the eyes of Christ. I pray that you will seek to honor Him in everything that you do. I pray that you know purpose because you have been specifically knit together- hand crafted with love- by the Almighty Himself. I pray that you will use every talent, ability, opportunity, vision, and dream- not to serve yourself- but to know your ultimate purpose of leading others to Christ and loving your brother as yourself. I pray that you will be full of gratitude- extending grace and mercy to those around you- because of the thankfulness that you know from receiving the ultimate pardon. I pray that you will be kind. I pray that you'll be courageous in everything your hand finds to do. I pray that you will chase your dreams with boldness and know that you are called to something great. I pray that you will always feel love. I pray that you will give love freely. I pray for your purity and your willingness to be different- even if the whole world tells you you're 'old-fashioned,' a goody two shoes, or too conservative. I pray that you will stand for the truth at all costs- even when no one chooses to stand with you. I pray for your future mate. I pray that as God is preparing you- He is also preparing him/her for a great ministry where you will serve Him together. I pray for you to be tender hearted. I pray for compassion and that you will always 'give until it hurts' to those who are less fortunate than you. I pray that you will never let anyone make you feel less. I pray that you have confidence in yourself- not because of anything you've done or accomplished- but because you see yourself as Christ sees you and because you know His purpose in you. I pray that you will not strive for an unattainable perfection- but that you will see yourself through the blood of Christ and know that His love covers all your mistakes, mess-ups, and weaknesses. I pray that you will never back down from trials. I pray that you will persevere and never ever give up. I pray that you be the hands and feet of Christ. I pray that you will always know joy. I pray that you laugh- often. I pray that you would follow my excellent example of loving the Mississippi State Bulldogs. :) I pray that you love family. I pray for strength. I pray that you never forget how much you're loved.

You are our precious gift. You were given to us 'for such a time as this.' Gods timing is always perfect- and He is specifically preparing you for huge divine appointments.
Because those preparations are not done- we will wait. And while we wait, I promise...

I promise to love the Lord and seek His will for my life, our lives, and yours. I promise to love your Daddy with all my heart. I promise to honor and respect him- so that you will have a Godly, strong, confident, hard-working father who is treated as the man and leader of our home that he is called to be. I promise to prepare our home for you, cultivate our family, so that you will be raised in a home that loves Jesus first, and each other second. I promise to love others so that I can pass that on to you. I promise to be bold and courageous and follow my dreams so that you can know that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. I promise to be wise financially so you can be taught to be a good steward when the Lord chooses to bless you. I promise to better myself and work hard so that you know health, confidence, and work ethic. I promise to always love you. I promise to love you with an unconditional love- as close as humanly possible to the love that our Father has shown to us. I promise to look to the Lord in difficulties. I promise to learn Gods Word and hide it in my heart so I can effectively teach it to you. I promise to laugh. I promise to rejoice- even in times I don't understand. I promise to speak positively- affirming all those around me, including myself, so that you learn that what you speak about, you bring about.

I promise to keep praying. I promise to remain faithful. I promise to love you more everyday- no matter how long it takes for me to meet you. I promise. And I pray.

You are our gift. You have purpose. To God be the glory.

Love,
Your mama.

Do you have a specific prayer you pray over your children? I'd love for you to share it with me. Maybe I can even post a few on this blog so that I can remember them and others will be blessed too. 

Love yall!

Whit <3

What a MIGHTY God we SERVE!

Hey everybody! Hope you're having a fabulous end to summer and a BEAUTIFUL start to FALL! MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR!!

It's been a long time since I've updated! Every time I sit down to write I just feel very redundant. It's more of the same ole same ole. Take Metformin every night, take Provera to start my cycle, take Clomid on days 3-7 on my cycle, see if I ovulate, pregnancy text on Day 28- negative....start all over.
I will say, that its been very obvious to me this past month that the medicine is helping to keep my body on a cycle and helping me to feel better. Because-- this last round I messed my medicine up and ending up not taking Clomid at all. HOLY HEADACHES. I have been so struggling with headaches, and tummy issues, and blah blah because I threw my body out of that cycle that it's been getting used to. So pregnant or not pregnant...I'm thankful for the medicines to help keep me regulated. Everything else is up to the Lord...
I'm about to start a fresh cycle tomorrow..SO HOPEFULLY I'll be getting back to normal pretty soon.

NOW....let's write what I came to write. :)

As you well know- my sister is such a mentor to me when it comes to the infertility and female issues. She's been struggling with these things now for well over 6 years. Some would say....she's a pro.

Ok..I would say that...she's definitely a pro.

I have been so thankful for her and how she's been able to guide me through this process step by step. It's someone I can talk to about how I feel, what I'm dealing with, and what to do next. She's also been known to shell out some tough love from time to time...which I'll actually admit...I know I needed it:)
After 3 long years, many medicines, procedures, heartache, disappointment, money, and hard work...her little family is so pleased to announce that they are growing by "two feet.."

 

Lord willing...Baby Collins will arrive in April 2013!

All I can say is....What a MIGHTY God we serve! Our family is absolutely thrilled. He listens to us, He answers us, and He always ALWAYS provides.  

Amber-- I'm so thankful for your example in faith, patience, trust, Bible-study, seeking the Lord, and JOY regardless of circumstance. No one deserves this blessing more than you. Thank you for being there for me! I can't wait to pinch that little baby's sweet cheeks! You know I'm the coolest aunt ever. 

Matt-- Thank you for being there for my sister. Thank you for supporting her- even if you don't understand what it feels like. Thank you for being a great example of a Godly husband and father. You're an awesome Daddy. Way to go PooPoo! :)

Wil Franklin-- WhitWhit loves you more than life itself. You are our precious gift. You have PURPOSE. 

(Even if that means playing baseball at Ole Miss....it will seriously hurt my heart....but I'm always your biggest fan!) You were prayed and prayed for before you were even knit in your mama's womb. Never forget how much you're loved by your Heavenly Father and your family. Thank you for the joy that you ALWAYS bring to us! You'll always be my Superman and I'll always be your "Yois Yane!"

Little Peanut- Oh how you were prayed for! And OH how you are loved! Your WhitWhit is dying to meet you. Always remember-- it is often said that "Aunts are like Mom...only COOLER!" :) We are anxiously preparing and waiting for your arrival. You are our precious gift. You have purpose. To God Be The Glory!

Thank yall for sharing in this excitement with us! Your prayers for a smooth pregnancy, delivery, and healthy baby are ALWAYS appreciated. This has not been easy for Amber- but a million times worth it. Thanks again! 

IT'S BABY TIME! :)

Whit<3

 

Joyful June!!

Happy first day of summer! I hope all of you are doing so well and enjoying this beautiful sunshine we've been having the last couple of days. I'm not a huge fan of sweating....but how could you not have an at least "ok" day when it looks like this outside??

It's also a very special day for me and the hubs....Today, we celebrate 3 years of marriage! I know everyone always says this, but I really can't believe its been 3 years. Even though I can't remember my life that vividly before Duane- it still feels like yesterday that we were gearing up for a beautiful wedding. I seriously don't think that day could of been more perfect. When the worst thing that happens is I break my thumb nail getting out of the car at the church (I mean...it did hurt!) then I would say it was a great day. Big shoutout to our 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, parents, family, and friends that shared in our big day. Three years later I still can't believe it was as amazing as it was! And the thank yous would not be complete without saying how much of an amazing job my sister did with planning, organizing, directing, and executing a great wedding with not a single hitch. It was detailed, organized, and exactly what Duane and I......ok let's be real......its exactly what I wanted! So-- if any of you people in Mississippi or Tennessee need an unbelievable event planned and executed with perfection-- Amberly Collins is your girl! Seriously....I'll put you in touch. Love you sister!

Sooooooooo-- its been awhile since I've posted a good fertility update. When I posted the last entry- I had taken my first round of fertility drugs and was waiting to see if I would ovulate. Well that didn't happen. Which was discouraging at first, but ultimately I had gone into it with absolutely no expectations- just to protect my heart. Well, we started the next round of fertility drugs exactly the same as the first round but with a higher dosage of Clomid (the fertility drug that helps me ovulate!). I started Provera (Satan's drug) on day 28 to help me start my cycle and then I took Clomid on days 3-7 of my cycle.

The one other big change that I made this month was starting on a drug called Metformin. This is normally a prescription given to patients with diabetes or some other insulin related issue. It's a very common drug used to treat PCOS. Since our hormones are so royally jacked up, we often have higher levels of insulin-- which affects fertility. It's also a reason that PCOS patients can have issues with their skin (adult acne is oftentimes referred to as diabetes of the skin). I cannot tell you how big of a struggle it has been dealing with these skin issues for over 2 years now. Talk about a confidence hit when I'm supposed to be a skincare and cosmetic expert but it looks like I don't even know how to take care of my own skin. But I'm telling you people, just being on this drug for about 3 weeks has ALREADY made a huge difference for me. My sister and mom both swear by it and now I TOTALLY know why. My skin has already started to clear up (so thankful for that!). The only problem with starting this new medicine is that I have to figure it out and how my body works with it. I have woken up MANY nights at around 2-3AM and been awake for a good solid hour either throwing up or fighting nausea. It also goes the same throughout the day-- since it messes with my blood sugar I have to make sure I don't let myself get too hungry or I start the whole nausea thing all over again. It's getting better and I'm figuring it all out but there are definitely days that the whole "feel like I'm about to puke every second" gets real old. And before anyone tells me to get ready because that's what pregnancy feels like-- I've heard! But the difference is that I know at the end of 9 months I'll have something to reward me for the many days of nausea. Right now it just boils down to-- Congrats, you're puking!

The biggest piece of good news is that- thanks to the Metformin and my higher dosage of Clomid- it looks like I did at least ovulate on this last round! Yay! Progress! I went to the doctor on Monday and got levels checked and they weren't outstanding (therefore I'll be starting an even HIGHER dosage of Clomid this next round) but at least it does look like I ovulated! Success!

So-- here's where my head is regarding this process-- I would be lying if I told you there weren't a couple days that I was ready to throw in the towel on all the meds, etc. because it was just too hard. But either way (pregnant or not pregnant) because of the PCOS- I have got to get well. I have fought these issues for two years now and I needed help. This has become about so much more than just having a baby. Even though that's the ultimate plan (and Lord knows my heart's desire!)- I must figure this out. The first two rounds have been HARD- but because my body is now starting to get on a cycle like a normal person-- I am starting to see a change in the positive direction. So- today- I am content. I am thankful for medicine and technology that can help me feel better- and learn how to take care of myself- to the best of my ability.

Finally-- as I sit here on the night of my 3rd wedding anniversary...to the most amazing man on the planet, (no, really..) I am so thankful. Pregnant or not- I am so abundantly blessed beyond my wildest dreams. When I was in high school, my youth minister had us draw a stick man and write all around him the qualities that we were praying for in our future husbands. Duane goes above and beyond in EVERY. SINGLE. QUALITY. I prayed for a man of God, integrity and character. Yesterday I watched my husband spend 'who knows what' to buy clothes, food, shoes, and toiletries for a precious college student who had not a single thing to his name. I saw him drop him off and pick him up from work so he could make sure he was able to go to church with us. I saw him offer him a hot shower and a bed to sleep him. I saw him sit down with him and teach him a budget and how to tithe. I have never been more proud in my life. I prayed for a tall, dark haired, athletic man who loved me unconditionally. I got Hottie McHotterson who is STILL taller than me in my highest heels, loves basketball more than life and spends at least 5 minutes every morning before he leaves for work kissing me, hugging on me, and telling me how much he loves me. I prayed for him to have a sense of humor and to be able to make me laugh. I got Duane, who when I text him randomly one day to tell him I sneezed 16 times- he responds-
"Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You Bless You!" Haha!
And no matter what God's plan is in our lives regarding children- Duane supports me at every turn. I am so thankful and I am so blessed.

I say NONE of this to brag or come across arrogant about "what I have." I say this to give you hope. I have been the single girl with no hope. Much longer than I've been married, actually. I say this to rejoice in the fact that even though we face struggles and difficulties (infertility, finances, sickness, a break-up, whatever you're facing) that in those deep times of sadness or loneliness- counting our blessings will usually give us some perspective with how rich we really are. Even though it's taking awhile and, at times, frustrating and heartbreaking, to have a baby- I am one blessed little girl. This anniversary day has humbled me, and reminded me of how much God really does love me. When we delight in Him, His plan is to give us the desires of our hearts (Proverbs 37:4)-- He wants to prosper us by giving us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)! How exciting, how humbling, and how beautiful. No matter the circumstance-- together we rejoice!

Thank you guys for your CONTINUED prayers and encouragement. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't have someone telling me they're praying. That is ridiculously cool. Thank you just doesn't even say how much I appreciate you.

I hope that yall continue to join with us on this "trip" (I can't say "journey" one more time...I feel like I'm on the Bachelor...I know there has to be some Bachelor fans who are gagging every time I type that).
Your support is priceless.

Love!
Whitney <3

Happy May! An Update...

Happy May Everybody!
Hope you had a wonderful April and are as excited as I am to enjoy a beautiful spring. If I'm being completely honest- I'd have to say that it has definitely been a challenging couple of weeks getting in the swing of things with all my meds and things like that. I decided to go ahead and document all the "procedures," dates, and medications thus far in the process-- mainly for my benefit so I can keep it all straight.

SO! Here it is...

October 2011-- First doctor's visit with new gynecologist in Chattanooga to pursue fertility treatment. 
That day, we determined that I definitely had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) by the irregularity of my cycles, weight gain, acne, and most importantly from the ultrasound that showed I had a "string of pearls" (small undeveloped cysts) in both of my ovaries. This is a very common thing in women with PCOS. Hence the name "cystic" ovarian syndrome. But basically-- what it all boils down to-- is that fertility will be a struggle because of higher levels of testosterone in my system causing all these issues and most frustrating- causing me not to ovulate. We decided that we would go forward in making sure my tubes were all clear of any other blockage and then proceed with the first rounds of fertility drugs. So I marched my happy tail up to the appointment desk- made that bad boy for an x-ray and went on my way. Pleased I had found a good doctor!

November 2011-- Hospital Appointment for the X-ray to make sure my tubes were clear. 
I woke up early that morning and had to be at Park Ridge by 7AM (thank the sweet Lord for Mary Kay so I don't have to be up that early every day). I checked in at the front desk and was led to the waiting room to wait for my appointment. As I was sitting there, half asleep, checkin' facebook/twitter/etc (you know the important stuff)- I looked down and realized I was wearing a hospital bracelet. It began to dawn on me that this was not the kind of X-ray I thought it would be. I thought to myself, "Self...why am I at the hospital at 7AM wearing a hospital bracelet for an 'x-ray'...shouldn't the doctor's office have an 'x-ray' machine...should I have my husband with me?...Is this gonna hurt?..." Now...let's just pause for a moment...what do YOU think of when you hear X-ray? Does a dimly lit room, lay on the table, take a picture, "hold real still", image come into your mind? Yeah...me too.
WELL....that's a big fat negative. I was ushered to a 'prep room' and instructed to change into a hospital gown. (Side-note: had a minor panic attack while changing...that's fair right?) Then I proceeded to have the most painful, invasive, embarrassing, emotional "procedure" I've ever had. Dang it was bad. And I was ALL ALONE! To spare you the details, let's just say that because of certain complications I had to actually have the entire procedure done TWICE. Happy happy joy joy. Well- because of the pain, the balloon, and the dye that they shoot into your system to "x-ray" (HA!) my tubes-- this thing put me in the bed for about two days. The worst part was that I was completely blindsided, unprepared, and alone. For goodness sakes I woulda had my husband if I'd a known! OH and the gargantuan hospital bill that arrived a few weeks later... That was fun. Since insurance covers NO fertility. That day was a barrel of laughs!
My doctor and I went through a brief separation in our relationship...but he apologized...so I forgave him...so now we're back together.
Anyway-- the silver lining is that my test results came back great with no blockage and no apparent reason we shouldn't be able to conceive! All worth it.

After this procedure- my doctor called and advised us to wait 2-3 months to start any fertility drugs because couples have been known to get pregnant soon after. The reason being because the tubes are widened so much (ouch) with the balloon so they can shoot the dye through your system and perform an x-ray. He ended the call with a..."Great! Now go forth and be fruitful!" Gotta love him. Well obviously that didn't exactly happen...so we proceeded with my next appointment to begin the process.

Mid-March 2012-- First doctor's appointment to actually start fertility treatment.
I went in very optimistic with the intention to decide on how we should get this party started. Duane had to work and gave me the go ahead to discuss it with my doctor and make the best decision. We were already pretty certain that he would just start me on Clomid and try that for a few months. Well that's what we decided to do. Since PCOS keeps my body from staying in a regular cycle and most often I don't ovulate- I was prescribed Provera (as my sister affectionately calls it the devil drug) to start my cycle and then Clomid which is a fertility drug to help me ovulate. I left encouraged and excited but not really with any expectations just to keep myself from being brokenhearted.

April 4, 2012-- Started Provera. 
This drug is started on Day 28 and taken for 10 days.
We affectionately call it the "devil drug" because it throws your body into a cycle it doesn't naturally want to be in. It definitely made me not feel like myself at times and I was for sure a 17 on the 1-10 emotional scale. But I was super thankful for my unbelievable support system in my husband, friends, and family.

April 20, 2012-- Started Clomid.
This is taken from days 3-7 on my cycle to help in the ovulation process.
(Side-note: Kind of made me chuckle that I started doing "drugs" on 4-20)

April 30, 2012-- Started taking At-Home Ovulation Tests

So that's where we're at. I will be very transparent when I say that there were several "rough" days on this first round. I haven't ovulated yet so far- even on the medicine. So that's been really frustrating. It's hard to fight feelings of failure and like there's something "wrong with me." Having the "future of our family" on my shoulders can also be a little worrisome and exhausting--but ultimately I know God has a plan. I am thankful for my sweet friend Jen who made sure to remind me that God doesn't need me or my body to make a baby. So the feelings of having something wrong with me are completely a tool of the enemy. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Even when sometimes I don't feel like it.
I also can't finish a post without giving HUMONGOUS props to my precious husband who has been unbelievably supportive through all of this! Even on the day that (while taking Provera) I looked at him and said, "You're not doing anything wrong...in fact you're being really sweet...but you're still irritating the fire out of me. So I'm just gonna give you a fair warning that for the duration of this car ride I may snap at you several times. I'm just gonna apologize in advance." (Haha!) He affectionately responded, "Okay honey...I'm just gonna sit here, be quiet, and mind my own business. That ok?" Poor baby. He's a champ.
Oh how I love him so.

Once again-- THANK YOU to you all of you that have been praying for us, calling, texting, messaging, etc. Also thank you to so many of you who have continually affirmed the decision to go public with this process. I know there may be people who don't understand. Maybe you think its crazy I would share these things (I agree a little), or think its crazy that Duane and I are starting these things while we're still so young.. Some may think-- you've got so much success in front of you... why not accomplish more before kids...
I just want to clarify because I have answers for both:
1. We went public with this struggle for two very intentional reasons. It is healing for me to write and document, and we hope to make an impact on the lives of others who are also dealing with the same.
(Plus I felt an intense leading from the Lord to share for a really long time....in my heart I kinda feel like that's explanation enough.)
2. As a family, we feel the Lord is calling us to this for a reason. Being prayed up about the issue- Duane and I feel a strong calling to be parents and feel the same calling about starting the fertility process right now. My prayer is that this decision can be respected and honored by all who know our story. Our God is most important-- then our present family and future family run a 1000000% close second.

Thank you so much for all the support and allowing me to lay my heart on the line about a really personal issue. I'm OBVIOUSLY not a doctor so I hope these explanations are easy to understand. I kinda feel like a blind man trying to describe the color purple. But...I look forward to continuing to update this process. I want to encourage anyone else dealing with the same....please continue to reach out to me so that we can lift each other up. This does not have to be an issue that consumes your thoughts, your life, your being....it's very easy to allow yourself to get to that place. But let's join together...lifting each other up so that the ONLY thoughts that are allowed to be entertained in our minds are thoughts of gratitude, hope, and positive expectancy of blessings to come!

Love you all!
-Whitney <3