Well here we are. It's been almost 8 months since I've given a fertility update! I hope everyone has been doing well and has had an incredible 2013! We certainly have! We celebrated the birth of my precious nephew James Henry and we also celebrated the 5 year old birthday of big boy nephew Wil Franklin! Duane and I have also both been building our businesses. The favor of The Lord on Timberline and Mary Kay has been humbling! He has come through for us countless times and taught us to never lose faith! We are SO HONORED to be living this life and wouldn't trade it for the world.
Does a new year make you reflect? Man, it does for me. It usually starts for me at Christmas. I start thinking about the year before- and then I spend the next several days reflecting and thinking about the year to come. This year, it's been a little different. It started for me around thanksgiving and hasn't stopped all of December. Reflection and thinking. Planning and thinking. Praying and reflecting. Off and on and off and on. About everything. About life. About my relationship with The Lord. About business. About friendships. And yes, about babies. Since this is a blog about our journey through infertility- I won't bore you with all of it- we'll focus on the last one..
Let me sum up our fertility journey of 2013 for you in one word: Nonexistent.
For me- I was finding myself in a VERY dark place. Around the beginning of the year we quit. I needed a break. I took some meds to help treat the symptoms of PCOS- but overall- we quit. This entire year for me has been spent BLOCKING it all out. I was tired. I was hurting. I couldn't handle it. I kept stuffing down the feeling of sadness or the planning or the research or the hurt or the overthinking or the medicine or the questions from people- I kept stuffing it further and further down and stopped allowing myself to feel ANYTHING about fertility. I allowed myself to become numb to it. If you asked me about my progress during the year- you probably got a plastic smile and robotic answer about how we're taking a little bit of a break but trusting in the Lords timing. As I had programmed myself to say...
I wish I could tell you that I was content and resting in the peace of The Lord- but honestly I was just pretending it wasn't happening to me. I was pretending that the time just wasn't right and I don't want children right now. I was lying to myself and forcing myself to believe that I was too young and had plenty of time and that kids weren't in the 'business plan' for us right now. There's not a bit wrong with those statements- except- it wasn't true. I was lying to myself to stuff the pain. It was easier to just 'enjoy my nephews' and 'distract' myself from having to deal with what was really going on inside.
It wasn't until around October that the shell started to crack. My dear friend Jennifer Redman had text me to let me know that her, her mom, and her aunt Myra had a gift for me. I had no idea what the gift was or how special it would end up being to me. Jen came over and called her mom, Jeanine, and Aunt Myra and had them on speaker phone so they could explain the gift to me. Jeanine began by telling me about a very vivid vision she had one day while praying for Duane and me. I believe that The Lord speaks to people in very different ways and Jeanine is one of those dear prayer warrior friends that hears very specific things from The Lord often. I so treasure her prayers. As she was praying for us and our future child- she had seen Duane and I- standing at the front of a church holding our baby, wrapped in a beautiful long white blanket, dedicating him/her to The Lord. It was an incredible moment to hear her describe the scene. So being the compassionate women that they are- Jeanine called her sister Myra to hand make me and Duane a white, crocheted, baby blanket. As Jen pulled this work of art out of the bag- I wept. It was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Not only was it beautiful, and had taken MONTHS to complete- but it had also been anointed with oil- and passed around from Godly person to Godly person to pray over and pray over. For us. For our baby. And for Gods plan in our lives. They ended the call with Myra praying the most precious prayer over us and our child. The thing that stuck out the most to me was when Myra prayed, "Lord thank you so much for the testimony that you've already given this child before they are even conceived."
Wow.
I have never thought of it that way before.
It was literally was of the most treasured moments of this journey. Duane and I both wept.
Thank you Jen, Jeanine, and Myra- you absolutely have no idea how much that blanket means to me. It is a comfort and a constant reminder of Gods faithfulness and incredible people who are always praying for us. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
From then on- situation after situation was forcing me to be honest with myself. It was forcing me to allow those feelings to surface. For me to actually deal with what I was feeling so that we could move forward and I could, maybe even dare say, ENJOY the journey. Slowly but surely it began to rise up- and by thanksgiving- I was ready to start talking about it again. I was TIRED of beating myself up. I was TIRED of stuffing my feelings down my own throat and making myself feel stupid for my desire to have children. It's over. Let's be real- and let's move forward.
So here I am. About to start 2014. With word vomit of all I'm feeling. I'm sad. This sucks. I'm hopeful. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm doubtful. I'm faithful. I'm jealous. I'm joyful. I'm hurting. I'm proactive. I'm empty. I'm open. I'm prayerful.
Who cares what I'm feeling..... The most important part: I feel.
Bottom line: Duane and I are seriously praying about starting our fertility process again in early 2014. We are finishing up paperwork with a new insurance company and taking steps in the fertility direction. All I'm asking for is your prayers. Opening myself up to this process again scares the crap out of me. It's hard. Sometimes, it's brutal. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's really confusing- but this is what I know: God has placed a desire on my heart for children that has not gone away- no matter how much I lie to myself. I also know that despite the fear, the anxiety, and the scary unknown- I also feel at peace with the decisions we're making. So, your prayers for wisdom and continued peace is appreciated more than you know.
Here's what I've learned from this year: sometimes taking time for yourself is necessary. But don't allow the time you're taking for yourself to make you become numb and separate you from truly feeling and experiencing the incredible blessings that The Lord wants to place on your life. And yes, I'm even talking about the blessings that He wants to place on you through your pain. Or if you're like me- and need to feel numb for awhile- stop beating yourself up for it. Take the hurt to Him. Seek His plan. Don't just go to church and hope you get something out of it if the preacher does a good job that day. SEEK. CRY out. Do what you have to do to gain wisdom in what you're facing. He will answer you. He WILL bring peace. And He will never make you feel stupid for the pain.
To my friends who have cared for Duane and me for almost two years when I posted my first blogpost- thank you. Seriously thank you. Hopefully- just maybe- The Lord can take this journey and specific struggle to do at least two things: first, bring honor to His name, and second, bring someone closer to knowing Him. If that happens- it's ALL worth it.
I love you guys!
Happy New Year!
-Whitney
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Ephesians 3:20 in the house!
For most of you that keep up with us through Facebook- you will know that on April 5, 2013 at 7:41AM, my family was given the greatest gift. My sister, Amberly, gave birth to James Henry Collins- weighing in at a whopping 7lbs. 6oz and measuring 20" long. He is perfect. Like his brother- these two very special young men are incredible, special gifts that were prayed and prayed for long before they were ever conceived. Wil Franklin is the ULTIMATE big bro- and sometimes my heart just catches in my throat when I see them together. If there is ever a moment I doubt God's plan- that thought is SHATTERED when I get to hold my precious nephews in my arms. There is literally no greater joy that having the honor of these precious gifts in my life.
After 7 years of infertility, 7 failed IUI procedures, IVF, ovarian hyperstimulation resulting in a 5 day hospital stay, 2 uterian bleeds thought to be a miscarriage, another overnight hospital stay, very high risk, scary pregnancy, and a TRUCK load of prayer......
We humbly and excitedly introduce (future President of the United States! ha!) James Henry Collins.
After 7 years of infertility, 7 failed IUI procedures, IVF, ovarian hyperstimulation resulting in a 5 day hospital stay, 2 uterian bleeds thought to be a miscarriage, another overnight hospital stay, very high risk, scary pregnancy, and a TRUCK load of prayer......
We humbly and excitedly introduce (future President of the United States! ha!) James Henry Collins.
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us,
to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
Love yall!
<3 Aunt WhitWhit
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sad is OK.
Today was sad. I'm not sure how it started. I'm not even sure why it
started. But today was one of those days that I just wanted to crawl
under my covers, pull them over my head, scream, then sleep. I guess it
was a culmination of a couple of things. Some of them, I'm even a little
embarrassed to admit. But for whatever reason- it happened. Sad,
frustrating, emotional, heart breaking, brutal day.
I'll start by saying that my treatment is going really well. I'm on some medication, prescribed by my incredible doctor, to help treat the symptoms of PCOS. I'm really working to lose weight, get my insulin/hormones under control, make sure I'm eating healthier, drinking plenty of water, and lots and lots of exercise. So- I can tell in just a couple weeks that I'm already feeling a MILLION times better. I did have a couple 'incidences' of pretty rough nausea and upset tummy during the medicine switch- but hey, I'm a pro at that now:) I'm super excited about where we're headed and I completely feel at peace that we're taking the right steps toward my health.
Having said that- this day... Really caught me off guard.
Lets rewind to Friday. My sweet hubs was working on a job out of town and came across these sweet, orphaned puppies. They were for sure abandoned, skinny, scared, and literally as cute as can be. He decided to take the female and his partner took the male in the hopes of finding them a great home. I instantly fell in love. That precious puppy was calm, very snuggly, cute as a button, and smart as a whip. Now, we already have 2 big dogs that I adore- Trixie and Daisy- our two black labs. Duane and I both agreed that it was completely unwise to keep a third in our small backyard, in addition to a third vet bill... No matter how much we loved her. So, I immediately started posting on Facebook, sending out a couple of texts, and asking everyone I knew if they were interested in our little Lula Belle. (Yes, I named her... Dumb move I know!) We ended up keeping her Friday night, and all morning/afternoon on Saturday. I worked most of the day, so she spent a lot of time with our dogs in the yard. She loved it. And of course, they got along great. That afternoon I took her to get a bath, and we took a fun ride in the car, we cuddled, we played.... Yep. I was hooked.
Now, I'd like to take a brief pause and clarify one thing. I am not a HUGE dog person. Don't get me wrong- I love my animals, my family has always had animals, and we probably always will. But...for example: Those sad animal commercials don't really phase me- I'd much rather send my money to an adoption agency whose goal is to rescue CHILDREN from bad, abusive, or orphaned situations. But that's just me. I think dogs/animals are ridiculously cool and people who have a heart for animals are also ridiculously cool- it's just not really my thing. My hubs is definitely the one who does all the taking care of our dogs. I just get to do the fun part- like play and pet. :)
So that's why this strangely strong attraction to this puppy was so weird to me. I mean she was cute, but that had never been a reason to reel me in as hard as this one did. I knew we reeeeeally needed to find her another home- but, with my whole heart, I really didn't want to. So, Saturday night rolled around and we got a call from a guy interested in meeting her. D and I rode up to meet him with little Lula Belle in tow, and he ended up becoming her new daddy. He was a great guy who loved animals so I felt totally ok with it. That was.... Until I got in the car and started to drive away. I sobbed. I was so so sad. I could not understand why this DOG was such a big deal to me. I shook it off, grabbed some zaxbys to eat away my emotions (so much for my diet) and headed home for the night. D had to go finish up a job for a few hours so Jen came over and helped cheer me up with watching some hilarious YouTube videos. I was starting to feel better but was completely exhausted and just feeling 'ick.' Ever felt 'ick' before? Just icky and irritable.
On to this morning...
We overslept. Missed Sunday School. Completely felt the same 'ick' as the night before, and really really wish I could say that I wouldn't have just kept on sleeping if I hadn't agreed to help in the 3 year old nursery. Lovely.
Well, got up. Went to church. Helped in nursery and had a flippin blast. I've helped with that class before, but this time, I don't know why... Just completely filled my heart up to the brim. Those sweet angels were singing all their worship songs, answering questions about Jesus, learning about asking Him into their hearts, and saying some of the most hilarious things. I left there feeling blessed, but for some reason, deep down, I also felt this ache in my gut...
We had lunch with some good friends, got home home, the hubs left to play golf... And there I was.
Strangely icky and achy.
I decided it was because I was just missing Lula and so I came up with the brilliant plan to take my oldest pup to get a bath and spend some quality time with her. Did I mention that I don't really do a lot of the 'taking care of the dogs' chores around here? So a completely soaked, and exhausted hour later we got back home- BOTH of us bathed. Not the 'quality' time I was hoping for.
I sat down. Took a deep breath. I made some calls. Did some work planning. Made some lists. Did around the house. Tried to shake it but I couldn't.
Maybe I should take a nap? No. Not really tired. Eat? No. Not really hungry. Clean? No. Definitely not clean.
Facebook. I'll just check Facebook.
And that's when it hit me.
Scrolling through my newsfeed.. This is what I saw.
Ultrasound.
Precious babies.
Puppy picture.
Random food picture.
Ultrasound.
Ultrasound.
Gender reveal party pictures.
Baby 'bump' picture.
Daylight savings 'tired' status.
Baby.
Baby.
Ultrasound.
It was everywhere. Everything started coming together. It all made sense.
Having to give up a baby puppy- that I loved- that was mine- that I cared for.
Keeping the sweet angels in preschool- and walking out of that room without one to take home.
Seeing everyone I knew (dramatic, but you get it) having a baby, celebrating babies, and talking about babies. Normally, a HUGE source of joy for me..
My ache. My 'ick.' My bad mood. It was my heart breaking for a baby. For my turn. For my opportunity to celebrate a new life with people I love. For me and Duane to experience the joy, the sleep deprivation, the spit ups, the bath times, the cuddling, the kisses, and the love that we so desperately desired. When will it happen? I'm not even on fertility meds so how far into the future is this baby?
I cried. Hard.
I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
It was not bitterness, but the uncertainty of all this stuff- and the waiting.. It was too much.
I curled up in a ball, in my favorite chair, and I let it out.
That's when I heard it. Strong and clear. In my tears, in the midst of almost a literal, physical pain of heartbreak.. I heard..
Be Sad. It's ok.
Over and over again I heard... Be sad. Cry. It's ok. I'm here.
So I did. I didn't try to pull it together. I didn't try to shake it off anymore. I just cried. I cried until my husband came home.
(Since this is so depressing, can we pause together for a brief comical moment...)
You know how when you're upset, and especially in moments like this you can't really even explain WHY you're upset... And especially to a man? (I mean, clearly- it's taken me 8 years just to get to this part of the story.) Well I tried, very unsuccessfully to explain why I was sobbing like a child to my husband. It came out something like- "And the puppy. And I'm sad. And I don't feel good. And I want a baby so bad. And I need to work out. And I don't think I can go to church. And my heart hurts. And the nursery this morning. And I'm thankful for you. And I'm sad. And I just need to be sad. And I trust The Lord. And I'm just irritable. And It's just a bad day. And I'm just sad. And I love you."
PLEASE tell me someone else can relate to this conversation???
And then of course, his response was something like, "Its ok honey. Gods timing is perfect. We'll be ok. You'll be ok. We'll get through it. I just love you so much- but I don't love your bad breath so much."
Hahah! Oh the joy of man vs. woman. Gotta love it.
Back to the story...
After letting my husband 'console' me (really- he was super sweet after the bad breath comment), we both agreed it was best I stay home and collect myself and not try to attempt church. But I couldn't sit. I couldn't just wallow in my sadness. I felt like I had so much emotion from the weekend pumping through my veins that if I didn't get it out- I would scream.
So I went and ran. For 45 minutes (aka... Who am I? I hate cardio.) I ran, I sweat, I cried while sweating, I blasted great music in my ears. (I probably looked like a complete freak show to my fellow gym members- but I didn't care.) It was therapeutic. And I felt 100 times better. I ate. I ran to the grocery store. I text my sister. I came home a new woman.
And so now, here I sit. Eating Girl Scout cookies (go figure) and thinking about the day. And I'm so thankful for it.
For the first time in this journey, I didn't have a little voice telling me that my tears were selfish. I didn't feel stupid for not being able to hold it together. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to shake it off. I let it out. And I heard The Lord clearly speak to my heart that SAD is OK. He hears my prayers, He knows my heart's desire is to trust His timing, He knows I don't have the ability to just 'handle it.' Just like we say to fellow Christians, "You can't just love Him in the good times- we have to praise Him in the hard times too." The same applies to how God feels about me. He doesn't just love me when I've 'got it all together' and I'm rocking it, and I'm content, and I'm faithful. He loves me just as much when I break down. When I allow my emotions to take over. When I hurt- He hurts.
This wasn't a time in this walk where I questioned God, or came to a crossroads in my faith, or I had some major surrender to Gods will.
I have no other way to explain it but just... Sadness.
I trust Him. I believe Him. I know I'll have a precious baby when the time is divinely ordained. And I really am content....... But that ache. It's brutal.
Ever read that 2 word verse in John that definitely packs a punch? Well... In case you haven't- it reads...
"Jesus wept." John 11:35
His trust in His Fathers will wasn't wavering, He hadn't lost His faith, He wasn't in sin, He wasn't less God because of His tears- He was just as much God as He was human- He was sad. He had lost a dear friend. And He was sad. End of story.
So I ask you, friend... What burden are you carrying? What 'ache' grips your heart and gives you those unexplainable days or moments? I want you to hear me when I say- Be sad. Sad is ok. Cry if you have to. WEEP if you have to. Let it out. Tell Jesus. He knows what it feels like. He wept too. His heart hurts with you. You are not dumb. You are not weak. And you are not selfish. Be sad. Sad is ok. Then, surround yourself with people who love you. Listen to a song that lifts you up. Head to the gym and take it out on the treadmill. Spend some time with Jesus. And if you've never done that, or you've never met Him- I sure would love to introduce you to Him. It's totally worth it. You are not alone. And He promises, "Joy comes with the morning." Do you know Him?
Thank you for letting me 'think out' my emotions. Thank you for letting me share my heart every time I post on this blog without fear of judgement. You may not understand the ache of infertility. That's ok. Every one has their own journey to walk, and burdens to carry. Whatever your 'thing' is- know that your sadness does not signal 'less faith.' I'm thankful for today and the incredibly important reminder that- sad really is ok.
<3 Whitney
I'll start by saying that my treatment is going really well. I'm on some medication, prescribed by my incredible doctor, to help treat the symptoms of PCOS. I'm really working to lose weight, get my insulin/hormones under control, make sure I'm eating healthier, drinking plenty of water, and lots and lots of exercise. So- I can tell in just a couple weeks that I'm already feeling a MILLION times better. I did have a couple 'incidences' of pretty rough nausea and upset tummy during the medicine switch- but hey, I'm a pro at that now:) I'm super excited about where we're headed and I completely feel at peace that we're taking the right steps toward my health.
Having said that- this day... Really caught me off guard.
Lets rewind to Friday. My sweet hubs was working on a job out of town and came across these sweet, orphaned puppies. They were for sure abandoned, skinny, scared, and literally as cute as can be. He decided to take the female and his partner took the male in the hopes of finding them a great home. I instantly fell in love. That precious puppy was calm, very snuggly, cute as a button, and smart as a whip. Now, we already have 2 big dogs that I adore- Trixie and Daisy- our two black labs. Duane and I both agreed that it was completely unwise to keep a third in our small backyard, in addition to a third vet bill... No matter how much we loved her. So, I immediately started posting on Facebook, sending out a couple of texts, and asking everyone I knew if they were interested in our little Lula Belle. (Yes, I named her... Dumb move I know!) We ended up keeping her Friday night, and all morning/afternoon on Saturday. I worked most of the day, so she spent a lot of time with our dogs in the yard. She loved it. And of course, they got along great. That afternoon I took her to get a bath, and we took a fun ride in the car, we cuddled, we played.... Yep. I was hooked.
Now, I'd like to take a brief pause and clarify one thing. I am not a HUGE dog person. Don't get me wrong- I love my animals, my family has always had animals, and we probably always will. But...for example: Those sad animal commercials don't really phase me- I'd much rather send my money to an adoption agency whose goal is to rescue CHILDREN from bad, abusive, or orphaned situations. But that's just me. I think dogs/animals are ridiculously cool and people who have a heart for animals are also ridiculously cool- it's just not really my thing. My hubs is definitely the one who does all the taking care of our dogs. I just get to do the fun part- like play and pet. :)
So that's why this strangely strong attraction to this puppy was so weird to me. I mean she was cute, but that had never been a reason to reel me in as hard as this one did. I knew we reeeeeally needed to find her another home- but, with my whole heart, I really didn't want to. So, Saturday night rolled around and we got a call from a guy interested in meeting her. D and I rode up to meet him with little Lula Belle in tow, and he ended up becoming her new daddy. He was a great guy who loved animals so I felt totally ok with it. That was.... Until I got in the car and started to drive away. I sobbed. I was so so sad. I could not understand why this DOG was such a big deal to me. I shook it off, grabbed some zaxbys to eat away my emotions (so much for my diet) and headed home for the night. D had to go finish up a job for a few hours so Jen came over and helped cheer me up with watching some hilarious YouTube videos. I was starting to feel better but was completely exhausted and just feeling 'ick.' Ever felt 'ick' before? Just icky and irritable.
On to this morning...
We overslept. Missed Sunday School. Completely felt the same 'ick' as the night before, and really really wish I could say that I wouldn't have just kept on sleeping if I hadn't agreed to help in the 3 year old nursery. Lovely.
Well, got up. Went to church. Helped in nursery and had a flippin blast. I've helped with that class before, but this time, I don't know why... Just completely filled my heart up to the brim. Those sweet angels were singing all their worship songs, answering questions about Jesus, learning about asking Him into their hearts, and saying some of the most hilarious things. I left there feeling blessed, but for some reason, deep down, I also felt this ache in my gut...
We had lunch with some good friends, got home home, the hubs left to play golf... And there I was.
Strangely icky and achy.
I decided it was because I was just missing Lula and so I came up with the brilliant plan to take my oldest pup to get a bath and spend some quality time with her. Did I mention that I don't really do a lot of the 'taking care of the dogs' chores around here? So a completely soaked, and exhausted hour later we got back home- BOTH of us bathed. Not the 'quality' time I was hoping for.
I sat down. Took a deep breath. I made some calls. Did some work planning. Made some lists. Did around the house. Tried to shake it but I couldn't.
Maybe I should take a nap? No. Not really tired. Eat? No. Not really hungry. Clean? No. Definitely not clean.
Facebook. I'll just check Facebook.
And that's when it hit me.
Scrolling through my newsfeed.. This is what I saw.
Ultrasound.
Precious babies.
Puppy picture.
Random food picture.
Ultrasound.
Ultrasound.
Gender reveal party pictures.
Baby 'bump' picture.
Daylight savings 'tired' status.
Baby.
Baby.
Ultrasound.
It was everywhere. Everything started coming together. It all made sense.
Having to give up a baby puppy- that I loved- that was mine- that I cared for.
Keeping the sweet angels in preschool- and walking out of that room without one to take home.
Seeing everyone I knew (dramatic, but you get it) having a baby, celebrating babies, and talking about babies. Normally, a HUGE source of joy for me..
My ache. My 'ick.' My bad mood. It was my heart breaking for a baby. For my turn. For my opportunity to celebrate a new life with people I love. For me and Duane to experience the joy, the sleep deprivation, the spit ups, the bath times, the cuddling, the kisses, and the love that we so desperately desired. When will it happen? I'm not even on fertility meds so how far into the future is this baby?
I cried. Hard.
I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
It was not bitterness, but the uncertainty of all this stuff- and the waiting.. It was too much.
I curled up in a ball, in my favorite chair, and I let it out.
That's when I heard it. Strong and clear. In my tears, in the midst of almost a literal, physical pain of heartbreak.. I heard..
Be Sad. It's ok.
Over and over again I heard... Be sad. Cry. It's ok. I'm here.
So I did. I didn't try to pull it together. I didn't try to shake it off anymore. I just cried. I cried until my husband came home.
(Since this is so depressing, can we pause together for a brief comical moment...)
You know how when you're upset, and especially in moments like this you can't really even explain WHY you're upset... And especially to a man? (I mean, clearly- it's taken me 8 years just to get to this part of the story.) Well I tried, very unsuccessfully to explain why I was sobbing like a child to my husband. It came out something like- "And the puppy. And I'm sad. And I don't feel good. And I want a baby so bad. And I need to work out. And I don't think I can go to church. And my heart hurts. And the nursery this morning. And I'm thankful for you. And I'm sad. And I just need to be sad. And I trust The Lord. And I'm just irritable. And It's just a bad day. And I'm just sad. And I love you."
PLEASE tell me someone else can relate to this conversation???
And then of course, his response was something like, "Its ok honey. Gods timing is perfect. We'll be ok. You'll be ok. We'll get through it. I just love you so much- but I don't love your bad breath so much."
Hahah! Oh the joy of man vs. woman. Gotta love it.
Back to the story...
After letting my husband 'console' me (really- he was super sweet after the bad breath comment), we both agreed it was best I stay home and collect myself and not try to attempt church. But I couldn't sit. I couldn't just wallow in my sadness. I felt like I had so much emotion from the weekend pumping through my veins that if I didn't get it out- I would scream.
So I went and ran. For 45 minutes (aka... Who am I? I hate cardio.) I ran, I sweat, I cried while sweating, I blasted great music in my ears. (I probably looked like a complete freak show to my fellow gym members- but I didn't care.) It was therapeutic. And I felt 100 times better. I ate. I ran to the grocery store. I text my sister. I came home a new woman.
And so now, here I sit. Eating Girl Scout cookies (go figure) and thinking about the day. And I'm so thankful for it.
For the first time in this journey, I didn't have a little voice telling me that my tears were selfish. I didn't feel stupid for not being able to hold it together. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to shake it off. I let it out. And I heard The Lord clearly speak to my heart that SAD is OK. He hears my prayers, He knows my heart's desire is to trust His timing, He knows I don't have the ability to just 'handle it.' Just like we say to fellow Christians, "You can't just love Him in the good times- we have to praise Him in the hard times too." The same applies to how God feels about me. He doesn't just love me when I've 'got it all together' and I'm rocking it, and I'm content, and I'm faithful. He loves me just as much when I break down. When I allow my emotions to take over. When I hurt- He hurts.
This wasn't a time in this walk where I questioned God, or came to a crossroads in my faith, or I had some major surrender to Gods will.
I have no other way to explain it but just... Sadness.
I trust Him. I believe Him. I know I'll have a precious baby when the time is divinely ordained. And I really am content....... But that ache. It's brutal.
Ever read that 2 word verse in John that definitely packs a punch? Well... In case you haven't- it reads...
"Jesus wept." John 11:35
His trust in His Fathers will wasn't wavering, He hadn't lost His faith, He wasn't in sin, He wasn't less God because of His tears- He was just as much God as He was human- He was sad. He had lost a dear friend. And He was sad. End of story.
So I ask you, friend... What burden are you carrying? What 'ache' grips your heart and gives you those unexplainable days or moments? I want you to hear me when I say- Be sad. Sad is ok. Cry if you have to. WEEP if you have to. Let it out. Tell Jesus. He knows what it feels like. He wept too. His heart hurts with you. You are not dumb. You are not weak. And you are not selfish. Be sad. Sad is ok. Then, surround yourself with people who love you. Listen to a song that lifts you up. Head to the gym and take it out on the treadmill. Spend some time with Jesus. And if you've never done that, or you've never met Him- I sure would love to introduce you to Him. It's totally worth it. You are not alone. And He promises, "Joy comes with the morning." Do you know Him?
Thank you for letting me 'think out' my emotions. Thank you for letting me share my heart every time I post on this blog without fear of judgement. You may not understand the ache of infertility. That's ok. Every one has their own journey to walk, and burdens to carry. Whatever your 'thing' is- know that your sadness does not signal 'less faith.' I'm thankful for today and the incredibly important reminder that- sad really is ok.
<3 Whitney
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
My God is ABLE! Do you know HIM?
Well well well- long time no see! How are y'all!?
Happy NEW YEAR!! I just KNOW 2013 is going to be the BEST year YET!
It's been a long time since I've updated and I know y'all have just been hanging on to the edge of your seats waiting to know what's happening with my uterus- so please accept my sincerest apologies! :) There's a couple reasons I haven't updated. The first is just that until I have something earth shattering to share (ha!), it's hard for me to just sit down and type. The second is because for the majority of the last couple of months I've dealt with a LOT of frustration and heartache- and every time I sat down to explain what was going on- it was just too much. I have to say that these last few months have been some of the hardest we've had "fertility-wise." Now let me be really clear about this one thing before I elaborate... We are SO thankful with all the blessings that have been poured out on us recently- so please don't read this as a "let me complain about my life post." Because let's face it- Duane and I have a TON to be thankful for. Baby or no baby- I am humbled and in awe of how great of a life we lead and what our future holds. God is good. He is teaching us, He is pruning us, He is chiseling us in a LOT of ways. So even in the heartache times- God is good. Am I super Christian and able to confidently proclaim God's goodness everyday in the midst of a trial- uhhh NO. But regardless of when I'm faithless and I waver in my trust and belief- God is still faithful.
On to the last couple of months....
The last time I updated in September I was about to start a new round of fertility drugs. It was also during that time my hubs quit his full time job and went to work for himself (whoooo!! So proud of my babe!!). The only glitch was having to change insurances because we had originally had insurance through his job. We got it worked out- the only problem was that my doctor was not covered on our new insurance. Now, I'll have to say- I wasn't exactly devastated because I was very frustrated with my doctor at the time. In his defense- fertility is not his specialty so I just felt like we had come to a point in our relationship that we each needed to move on. Now keep in mind- on all of these hormonal drugs- it is very trying on your emotions (can any of my metformin/clomid/provera sisters relate?!?). So even with feeling ok with my decision to find a new doctor also came the emotions of......... Oh. My. Gosh. Am I really starting this ALL over again????? I felt stuck. I felt helpless. I felt like I had wasted almost a year of putting my body through you know where and back. I'll go as far as to say I felt.... Unimportant.
So insert my brilliant plan ...here....
At the end of September I was over it. I immediately took myself off ALL my medicine.
I quit.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt like everything I was doing wasn't working- so why should I put myself through that kind of misery for..... Well.... Nothing.
Also, the first week of October- my sweet granddaddy went to be with Jesus. Hard. I then got the flu and had 2 cortisone injections in my left knee joint. Ew. And ouch. So for the next month- I blocked it out. I didn't talk about it- I tried not to think about it and I pretended like everything was fine and dandy. When in reality- I cried almost every night. October was a rough month that I'd prefer not to think about.
Insert God intervention ...here...
One of my best friends and roommates from college, Katie, and her husband Todd, were in town for a friend's wedding and wanted to meet up. We got together at Starbucks, talked, laughed, and did some catching up. Boy, have me and this girl got some stories! Good times. Anywho- she asked about my fertility stuff and I just honestly told her I was struggling and had taken myself off everything. I just had to take a break for awhile. Also, that I was on the look out for a new doctor. Katie's dad is actually a gynecologist in the Jackson, TN area- and we've always talked about how I wished I was more local so I could just be treated by him. Someone I trust. She told me she'd be praying for me- we wrapped up our visit for them to get on the road and then we were on our way.
A few nights later- I was laying in bed and was honestly, going to bed feeling really ding dang dong sorry for myself. (Not me!) It had been a rough couple of weeks, I was exhausted, not feeling good, and having a downright- good ole pity party in my head. Poor pitiful me.
I begrudgingly picked up my phone to pull up my bible app so I could check the day's 'quiet time' off the list. When to my surprise the verse of the day read something like this: "always give thanks for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.." Ephesians 5:20. I was instantly convicted for my terrible attitude and lack of perspective. So, laying there in bed, I started making a list of everything in my life I was thankful for. It immediately brought me back to reality at what a blessed life I lead. I asked for forgiveness and honestly- went to bed feeling a little stupid for my 'woe is me' attitude.
The NEXT day really changed it all for me.
At about 9pm I got a call from none other than, Dr. D, Katie's precious dad. I get all teary thinking about that conversation. He told me that Katie had explained my situation and he wanted to help. He treats PCOS multiple times a week, and if I'd have him, he'd like to treat me and help me get healthy. We talked strategy, symptoms, medicines, and emotions. He called in my prescriptions and within one day I was back on track, renewed, with clarity and a heart full of gratitude. I went from being helpless and feeling unimportant to feeling loved and cared for by someone who knows how to help me. God answers prayer and is just BEGGING us to trust Him. He wants to PROVE His unfailing love to us EVEN when choose to be faithless.
Over the next several months I began another couple of rounds of medicines, started feeling normal again, and even got to visit him in his office in Jackson. You know God has blessed you with an incredible doctor when the first words out of his mouth in that office are, "Ok sweetie, lets pray." And he specifically asks The Lord for wisdom in his treatment, so that His will is done, and for my assurance that it isn't medicine, but the Great Physician at work. The best thing he said to me that day was, "Sweetheart I want you to know that God hurts with you- He hears you- and His heart hurts with yours." How comforting to know that even though God has called me to walk this specific journey with Him- He still hurts with me and feels my heartache.
My medicine has been successful in getting regulated and making me feel better. With Dr. D's advice and some prayer- we've decided to hold off with fertility drugs for the next several months and focus on treating the symptoms of PCOS. We do this with the hopes that when we start trying again- I'll be healthier and the road will be a little smoother.
So there it is- 4 months in one. I want to praise The Lord for where He has brought us. When the road gets tough, my nature is to run and hide (hey, remember when I took myself off all my meds?!) but thankfully The Lord doesn't do that. He always stands firm. He never wavers. He never fails us. And He is always faithful.
Katie: Thank you for being a 'soul sister' and for standing by me down this road. And for all that you've done in helping me stay connected with your dad, office visits, a place to stay, and always lots of fun! I love you more than you know. You're an incredible friend.
Dr. D and Mrs. Liz: Thank you so much to the love you've always shown our family- but especially in how you've gone completely out of your way to make sure I'm cared for medically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what I've done to deserve friends and another set of 'parents' like y'all- but I am SO thankful. I know The Lord is going to continue to pour His blessings on y'all for as much as you give to others. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love y'all!
Now, this post would not be complete without a shout-out to my awesome sister who is going to be 29 weeks on Saturday!! Praise the Lord!! This pregnancy has been HARD. It's been scary at times, but as you all well know- we serve a pretty cool God. He has purposely sustained this pregnancy- and even where she stands right now- this baby is VIABLE! To God be the GLORY! Baby Henry- you are already one tough cookie and your WhitWhit cant wait to squeeze those sweet cheeks!
Thank you for your continued prayers. It's incredibly cool to have people who actually care about what's going on in my world. And to all of you girls still walking this road with me- when the going gets tough- there's only one place to turn- its to the Savior. He hears. He hurts with you. He knows your heartache. And only HE can offer the comfort, peace, and hope that you need.
I love y'all.
<3 Whit
Happy NEW YEAR!! I just KNOW 2013 is going to be the BEST year YET!
It's been a long time since I've updated and I know y'all have just been hanging on to the edge of your seats waiting to know what's happening with my uterus- so please accept my sincerest apologies! :) There's a couple reasons I haven't updated. The first is just that until I have something earth shattering to share (ha!), it's hard for me to just sit down and type. The second is because for the majority of the last couple of months I've dealt with a LOT of frustration and heartache- and every time I sat down to explain what was going on- it was just too much. I have to say that these last few months have been some of the hardest we've had "fertility-wise." Now let me be really clear about this one thing before I elaborate... We are SO thankful with all the blessings that have been poured out on us recently- so please don't read this as a "let me complain about my life post." Because let's face it- Duane and I have a TON to be thankful for. Baby or no baby- I am humbled and in awe of how great of a life we lead and what our future holds. God is good. He is teaching us, He is pruning us, He is chiseling us in a LOT of ways. So even in the heartache times- God is good. Am I super Christian and able to confidently proclaim God's goodness everyday in the midst of a trial- uhhh NO. But regardless of when I'm faithless and I waver in my trust and belief- God is still faithful.
On to the last couple of months....
The last time I updated in September I was about to start a new round of fertility drugs. It was also during that time my hubs quit his full time job and went to work for himself (whoooo!! So proud of my babe!!). The only glitch was having to change insurances because we had originally had insurance through his job. We got it worked out- the only problem was that my doctor was not covered on our new insurance. Now, I'll have to say- I wasn't exactly devastated because I was very frustrated with my doctor at the time. In his defense- fertility is not his specialty so I just felt like we had come to a point in our relationship that we each needed to move on. Now keep in mind- on all of these hormonal drugs- it is very trying on your emotions (can any of my metformin/clomid/provera sisters relate?!?). So even with feeling ok with my decision to find a new doctor also came the emotions of......... Oh. My. Gosh. Am I really starting this ALL over again????? I felt stuck. I felt helpless. I felt like I had wasted almost a year of putting my body through you know where and back. I'll go as far as to say I felt.... Unimportant.
So insert my brilliant plan ...here....
At the end of September I was over it. I immediately took myself off ALL my medicine.
I quit.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt like everything I was doing wasn't working- so why should I put myself through that kind of misery for..... Well.... Nothing.
Also, the first week of October- my sweet granddaddy went to be with Jesus. Hard. I then got the flu and had 2 cortisone injections in my left knee joint. Ew. And ouch. So for the next month- I blocked it out. I didn't talk about it- I tried not to think about it and I pretended like everything was fine and dandy. When in reality- I cried almost every night. October was a rough month that I'd prefer not to think about.
Insert God intervention ...here...
One of my best friends and roommates from college, Katie, and her husband Todd, were in town for a friend's wedding and wanted to meet up. We got together at Starbucks, talked, laughed, and did some catching up. Boy, have me and this girl got some stories! Good times. Anywho- she asked about my fertility stuff and I just honestly told her I was struggling and had taken myself off everything. I just had to take a break for awhile. Also, that I was on the look out for a new doctor. Katie's dad is actually a gynecologist in the Jackson, TN area- and we've always talked about how I wished I was more local so I could just be treated by him. Someone I trust. She told me she'd be praying for me- we wrapped up our visit for them to get on the road and then we were on our way.
A few nights later- I was laying in bed and was honestly, going to bed feeling really ding dang dong sorry for myself. (Not me!) It had been a rough couple of weeks, I was exhausted, not feeling good, and having a downright- good ole pity party in my head. Poor pitiful me.
I begrudgingly picked up my phone to pull up my bible app so I could check the day's 'quiet time' off the list. When to my surprise the verse of the day read something like this: "always give thanks for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.." Ephesians 5:20. I was instantly convicted for my terrible attitude and lack of perspective. So, laying there in bed, I started making a list of everything in my life I was thankful for. It immediately brought me back to reality at what a blessed life I lead. I asked for forgiveness and honestly- went to bed feeling a little stupid for my 'woe is me' attitude.
The NEXT day really changed it all for me.
At about 9pm I got a call from none other than, Dr. D, Katie's precious dad. I get all teary thinking about that conversation. He told me that Katie had explained my situation and he wanted to help. He treats PCOS multiple times a week, and if I'd have him, he'd like to treat me and help me get healthy. We talked strategy, symptoms, medicines, and emotions. He called in my prescriptions and within one day I was back on track, renewed, with clarity and a heart full of gratitude. I went from being helpless and feeling unimportant to feeling loved and cared for by someone who knows how to help me. God answers prayer and is just BEGGING us to trust Him. He wants to PROVE His unfailing love to us EVEN when choose to be faithless.
Over the next several months I began another couple of rounds of medicines, started feeling normal again, and even got to visit him in his office in Jackson. You know God has blessed you with an incredible doctor when the first words out of his mouth in that office are, "Ok sweetie, lets pray." And he specifically asks The Lord for wisdom in his treatment, so that His will is done, and for my assurance that it isn't medicine, but the Great Physician at work. The best thing he said to me that day was, "Sweetheart I want you to know that God hurts with you- He hears you- and His heart hurts with yours." How comforting to know that even though God has called me to walk this specific journey with Him- He still hurts with me and feels my heartache.
My medicine has been successful in getting regulated and making me feel better. With Dr. D's advice and some prayer- we've decided to hold off with fertility drugs for the next several months and focus on treating the symptoms of PCOS. We do this with the hopes that when we start trying again- I'll be healthier and the road will be a little smoother.
So there it is- 4 months in one. I want to praise The Lord for where He has brought us. When the road gets tough, my nature is to run and hide (hey, remember when I took myself off all my meds?!) but thankfully The Lord doesn't do that. He always stands firm. He never wavers. He never fails us. And He is always faithful.
Katie: Thank you for being a 'soul sister' and for standing by me down this road. And for all that you've done in helping me stay connected with your dad, office visits, a place to stay, and always lots of fun! I love you more than you know. You're an incredible friend.
Dr. D and Mrs. Liz: Thank you so much to the love you've always shown our family- but especially in how you've gone completely out of your way to make sure I'm cared for medically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what I've done to deserve friends and another set of 'parents' like y'all- but I am SO thankful. I know The Lord is going to continue to pour His blessings on y'all for as much as you give to others. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love y'all!
Now, this post would not be complete without a shout-out to my awesome sister who is going to be 29 weeks on Saturday!! Praise the Lord!! This pregnancy has been HARD. It's been scary at times, but as you all well know- we serve a pretty cool God. He has purposely sustained this pregnancy- and even where she stands right now- this baby is VIABLE! To God be the GLORY! Baby Henry- you are already one tough cookie and your WhitWhit cant wait to squeeze those sweet cheeks!
Thank you for your continued prayers. It's incredibly cool to have people who actually care about what's going on in my world. And to all of you girls still walking this road with me- when the going gets tough- there's only one place to turn- its to the Savior. He hears. He hurts with you. He knows your heartache. And only HE can offer the comfort, peace, and hope that you need.
I love y'all.
<3 Whit
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