The last time I posted a true fertility "update" was in October of 2014. A year and a half ago. I felt like I was in a good place and was starting to move forward. You can go back and read that post, but basically my "A Year of Stuffing" post was about how I had crammed all my "feelings" down my own throat and tried to pretend like it wasn't happening to me in order to survive. At the time of the post, I was starting to feel again, and not just "feel," but mainly get excited about the possibility of starting fertility again. There was a sense of hope. And contentment. And it was real. And it felt good. That hope and contentment lasted awhile, and continued for a long time-- and in all honesty, still continues today.... but if that's the case, how did I get so....lost? When did I start just saying words to myself (and others) that I KNEW to be truth-- but then seemed so superficial? How did I get so SAD? When did I start thinking that, for some reason, I was being punished? When did I start feeling FORGOTTEN?
And worse...
How did I get to the place that my heart believed God was not good?
.....
Well, it started with hope and contentment. That sounds weird, but stick with me. Going forward at the end of 2014 and beginning of the new year, was so refreshing. 2014 was brutal for us, but the promises of a fresh start and a new positive outlook were exciting. And to be honest with you-- for the most part, 2015 was a good year. It held probably the MOST change that Duane and I have ever experienced together in our marriage, but ultimately- the changes have been overall positive. We had to face a lot of situations in work with some courage and flexibility-- but like I said, ultimately positive. So, even though circumstances felt overwhelming at times, we never really felt defeated. Which, is why I was surprised and confused to have gradually woken up each day with more sadness than the day before. And for the first time on this fertility journey, waking up with this feeling of loneliness. And abandonment. I was so hopeful and I was SO genuinely trying to keep a heart of gratitude that I didn't understand why my mind was taking me to such rough places. So the "hope" and the "contentment" became my rescue. When the sadness would creep up, I would immediately combat the thought with, "No! Stop! You're not sad! Perk up baby! We are content! You have plenty of time! You're good!"
Hope was helping me survive.
Hope was my tool to combat the sadness.
When I began to doubt myself or my family's future.
When everyone around me (and I DO MEAN EVERYONE) was getting what I so desperately hoped for.
When everyone was being "blessed" and "highly favored" and "their heart's desires" and all those other churchy words we use.
Hope kept me happy.
Hope gave me joy.
Hope gave me the strength.
Hope was my emotional stability.
Hope was my crutch.
Hope.
But....Why was I still so sad? Why was it not working? Why was I having feelings of abandonment that I had NEVER had before that I was constantly having to combat with said "hope?" Why was this hope so empty?? I'M TRYING SO HARD TO BE GRATEFUL AND HOPEFUL AND CONTENT AND WHY IS IT NOT WORKING??? WHY AM I SO FREAKING LOST?
The problem with hope is that it's an empty word on its own. It ONLY has value when you identify the source or the recipient of this "hope."
In other words, Hope. In. What?
"Jesus loving, church girl, faith filled" Whitney would say "God" of course.
But was that true?
Well, Duane had promised me that we could start fertility again this year..
So, hope in doctors. Medicine.
And, our new insurance would be kicking in this year..
So, hope in financial readiness.
And, my sister was having two miracle babies this year!
So, hope in other people's stories. Genetics.
And, I'm still young, there's no way this won't happen..
So, hope in MY body, because.. ME.
And, I was determined to stay positive, because... ME.
So, hope in my own strength and emotional health.
The problem is-- most of these things didn't happen the way they were supposed to or were planned. And the ones that did can never satisfy the void and longing in my heart. People fail, timing sucks, money is tight, that biological clock keeps ticking, and I CAN'T keep it all together!
Which is why it was all crumbling.
I felt
EMPTY.
LONELY.
PUNISHED.
FORGOTTEN.
And I didn't know why.
Here's the deal, pickle. (Been awhile since I've used that joke--- you're welcome.)
Hope in these things is not sustainable. And each and every time these recipients of your hope disappoints, like it ALWAYS will-- it callouses you. And that energy which so joyfully fueled your hope can quickly and fleetingly, become the same energy that fuels your despair.
Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever given your life and your circumstances your absolute BEST shot at joy and hope and contentment-- only to continue to feel this deep ache. Disappointment. And even worse, loneliness or abandonment? It's unexplainable. It's confusing. Especially for someone who knows God's word, and who intends to give their best shot at believing it. How is it possible to feel this lost?
Two things stand out to me over the past few months, that started to give me the slightest bit of direction, and have helped me start to understand and to heal.
1. One weekend in Jackson, MS visiting my family, we attended a church service one Sunday where the pastor was talking about surrender. I don't remember all of the sermon, but there was one line that he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:
"When things are not going as planned, when your emotions take hits, when your hopes are slashed, and when your circumstances are not good-- over time, if you're not careful, you may start to equate your bad circumstances with a bad God. When life is not good, it becomes easy to say God is not good."
That day it was so clear to me that despite the desperate attempts of weak hope and gratitude-- that over the last year, I had started attaching my "not good sign" of my circumstances and this sadness and longing to my God.
No wonder I had started feeling FORGOTTEN. And LONELY. And PUNISHED. Because if God is not good-- then why in the world would I deserve anything more?
2. One day, not long after, I was scrolling through FB, and I saw a status Kari Jobe posted that rocked me. She's a Christian recording artist and she's AMAZE. It was a day I was feeling particularly lost and numb. I can't find the status, and I didn't save it, so don't quote me-- but the summary was something along the lines of this:
When you're lost, or in pain, or walking through fire, or experiencing circumstances beyond your control, our first human instinct is to ask why? And we are certainly able to have those intense conversations with the Lord and be as honest as possible. But ultimately, it doesn't do anything but give you more questions. In those times, the only way to truly let go is to worship. Sometimes with tears rolling down your face, and most times not receiving any answers, but just worship-- and through it, inviting God to meet you where you are. Then, wait.
So that night... I didn't open my Bible. I didn't read my "go-to, check my devotion off the list" Jesus Calling app. I laid my head down on my pillow, closed my eyes, and fell asleep "singing" or reciting the lyrics to hymns and worship songs. I wasn't very intentional in what songs I picked, usually just whatever came to my mind-- but I did try to dwell on what I was saying.
I did it again the next night.
And the next.
It was all I could muster together. But it was something.
I definitely don't have it all figured out. And I don't really know how to articulate the feelings and experiences through my circumstances, and my relationship with the Lord that I've had over the last year or so. But I have to believe that others have experienced this too. You may be struggling like me. It may not be infertility, but you may be experiencing financial difficulty, or job stress, or relationship turmoil, or just the longing or ache of something you so desire that is just not happening. I don't know what it is. But what I can truly say with all certainty is that even our BEST shot, our BEST attempt at hope in our circumstances or other people or money or church or ourselves are FEEBLE at most and will NOT withstand the fire. Without placing your hope in the ONLY One who can fulfill that longing, the ONLY One who can balm your pain, and the ONLY One who can give you true joy-- without THAT hope, there is no hope. People fail. Medicine fails. You fail.
He won't.
You may also be like me and say-- I know that's true! I know God is all-knowing and all-powerful. I know it, because I've been taught it, and I've read it, and for the majority of my life, I've believed it. But today, right now, it just feels hard to believe. It feels out of reach. It feels like I've come to believe, that, maybe over time, God is not good. (Ouch-- it's hard to admit, right?) But one last thing I can truly say with all certainty is that Jesus Christ died to know me and you. He has been present in my life. All my life. Even in the darkest of times. He promises me and you in His Word that He will not LEAVE me or FORSAKE me.. or YOU. He says that He REMEMBERS me... and YOU... and WE are ETCHED in His hands.
I don't know about you, but I'm encouraged and inspired by a Hope that says, "My power works best in your weaknesses and my grace is all you need.'" (2 Cor. 12:9)
I can't help you get there or believe it. But I hope these words challenge you, like they did me. I hope they encourage you to walk this journey with me. No matter who you are, no matter where you've been, no matter where you came from, no matter how dark it's been.... Place your hope in the only place strong enough to care for it. And powerfully remind yourself that God is still good, He is still on His throne, and He loves you. In fact, He DIED to know you. I can promise you, that every night, as Duane and I move into this new season of fertility, we're covering it in prayer. And yes, hope. But this time, hope in the One who is able. And mighty. And One who is still in the miracle working business. Won't you join me? Even if all you can muster is a few reluctant worship lyrics on your pillow tonight with tears streaming down your face-- don't ask why, don't wallow in your pain-- just invite the Lord to meet you there, and if you wait, He will.....
"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand."
-Whit <3
