Ever been dealing with an emotional struggle (of any kind) and had someone (most likely with very good intentions) completely diminish your struggle with an overly generalized (probably true!) statement? We have ALL done it, I'm almost certain. I know I have. Don't know what I mean? Here's a few examples:
You just experienced a death in the family...
Well meaning friend says: "At least they're in a better place!"
...or...
You're a new (sleep deprived, no makeup/sweatpant wearing) mom with a screaming baby in public...
Well meaning stranger says: "Oh just soak up every single second- they grow up so fast! Aren't children such a blessing!?"
...or...
You're single. Searching for love. Heartbroken...
Well meaning family member says: "Oh honey don't worry, you have plenty of time! You just have to be more patient... (Insert their love story here)"
...or...
You're 97 weeks pregnant. Fat, miserable, emotional, uncomfortable, exhausted...
Well meaning Facebook friend says: "Oh honey be thankful!! You should be so grateful you're gonna have a healthy baby!"
...or...
You've tried to lose weight and have a desire to be fit, but frustratingly fail every single time...
Well meaning friend says, "It's not that hard! If you'd just stop doing ____ and start doing _____, you'd lose weight in no time!"
...or...
You're a college student, working 3 jobs to pay for school, rent, books, food, and gas all the while studying, getting involved in extra-curricular activities to look good on a resume, and still not able to make ends meet while racking up student loan debt and surviving on Easy Mac...
Well meaning family member says, "Savor every second- these years are the best of your life! Just wait til you get into the real world and have real problems..."
...or of course, my favorite...
You've experienced years of infertility...
Well meaning person says: "Gods timing is perfect sweetie! It will happen when it's supposed to!"
Do most of these well meaning people have genuine intentions of 'making you feel better' or 'helping you gain perspective' or 'trying to give you hope' by using their wisdom and their own experiences? Absolutely. I'm sure of it. And are most of these statements actually true? Yep.
But do you feel better?
Does it work?
Does your pain go away or lessen?
No.
The answer is a resounding NO.
Oftentimes these overly generalized statements trigger such hurtful emotions that it, not only, DOESN'T HELP- but it has the potential to make things so much worse. By not truly 'hearing' them, you diminish their struggle and can even make them feel guilty for having the struggle to begin with. And sadly- a lot of times these statements come from well-meaning church members and fellow believers. Do these dismissive statements really display the love of Christ accurately to someone who's struggling?
Let's look back at our examples and see what an overly generalized statement has the potential to sound like to someone in the midst of an emotional struggle:
-You just experienced a death in the family...
Well meaning friend says: "At least they're in a better place!"
You hear: "Being sad makes you selfish! How could you wish they were back here in this cruel world instead of healed in heaven?"
-You're a new (sleep deprived, no makeup/sweatpant wearing) mom with a screaming baby in public...
Well meaning stranger says: "Oh just soak up every single second- they grow up so fast! Aren't children such a blessing!?"
You hear: "The fact that you are miserable, questioning whether or not you can do this, and contemplating setting your 'blessing' out on the front porch for a few hours, means that you AREN'T soaking up every second, you're gonna miss something and have regret. You, therefore, are a bad mother."
-You're single. Searching for love. Heartbroken...
Well meaning family member says: "Oh honey don't worry, you have plenty of time! You just have to be more patient... (Insert their love story here)"
You hear: "Stop being silly. Seriously. You're just being dramatic. You'll find somebody one day. That should be enough hope for you not to sound so desperate."
-You're 97 weeks pregnant. Fat, miserable, emotional, uncomfortable, exhausted...
Well meaning Facebook friend says: "Oh honey be thankful!! You should be so grateful you're gonna have a healthy baby!"
You hear: "I cannot believe you would want to put your comfort before your baby's health! What a terrible, ungrateful mother!"
-You've tried to lose weight and have a desire to be fit, but frustratingly fail every single time...
Well meaning friend says, "It's not that hard! If you'd just stop doing ____ and start doing _____, you'd lose weight in no time!"
You hear: "Really? If you can't change just one little thing- then you must just be lazy!"
-You're a college student, working 3 jobs to pay for school, rent, books, food, and gas all the while studying, getting involved in extra-curricular activities to look good on a resume, and still not able to make ends meet while racking up student loan debt and surviving on Easy Mac...
Well meaning family member says, "Savor every second- these years are the best of your life! Just wait til you get into the real world and have real problems..."
You hear: "You're hilarious. If you think this is miserable- good luck. You will live a miserable life because it only gets worse from here. You can't handle REAL life. You don't have what it takes. So stop being so ridiculous and wasting the fun years."
-You've experienced years of infertility...
Well meaning person says: "Gods timing is perfect sweetie! It will happen when it's supposed to!"
You hear: "Your pain is useless right now. It's not time. And obviously you don't have enough faith. Because if you did- you would know God has a plan- and you wouldn't be hurting."
OUCH.
Are some of these examples extreme? Sure. Does it always trigger that kind of reaction? Probably not. But I'd say these overly generalized statements are so common, that after hearing it multiple times from many people- it can only make things worse. Or you become so used to not being heard, or even convince yourself that your pain isn't real- that you stuff it down or numb it some other way. If you have ever experienced an emotional struggle (haven't we all?) and in THAT MOMENT you're just trying to keep your head above water- the LAST thing you need is for someone to make you feel less than. Like you don't matter. Or your pain is pointless, selfish, and not worthy to be acknowledged.
Is this an argument to give people a license to complain all the time? No! Not at all! But when you have the opportunity to offer support to a friend- remember this need...
All humans need to feel heard. And validated.
What a concept.
What if we stopped and actually listened to someone who turns to us for support? Before we impart our wisdom on them through our own life experiences- what if we truly FELT with them? What if we stopped offering so much advice, and first, acknowledged their pain- no matter how big or how small- we know to them it MATTERS. What if we stopped saying things like, "I understand how you feel.. and this is what I think..." when most times- you probably DON'T know how they feel. And even if you do share a similar life experience- ALL THE MORE reason for you to VALIDATE their struggle and FEEL with them FIRST, before you try to pull them up by the bootstraps and fix it.
Especially going through something like infertility- I understand this is not something people really know how to handle. Up until recently- this was a very private struggle that women dealt with completely alone. Now that the issue is newly becoming more open and talked about- that also means that people are having to learn what to say. Especially the ones who have never experienced it. Emotional struggles are hard. For everyone involved. People want to help- they want you to know they're there for you- but what do you say to someone in a situation that you literally have no control over and you have no power to change? I get it. It's hard. For everybody. That's why at least having an awareness about something like this is so important. Just because you don't know what to say- don't resort to the overly generalized statements with the hopes of imparting wisdom. It can come across negatively, with a lack of care, judgmental, and completely not genuine. I know that I, in particular, have "asked" for it- because I've chosen to share my personal emotional struggle with the world through this blog. I prepared myself for a lot of the cliche general statements and try to keep the mindset of knowing that they absolutely have pure, precious intentions. They just don't know what else to say. But, on the flip side, some of the most encouraging words I've heard from people are the ones that are absolutely the most honest. The ones that say things like, "I have no idea what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain you're feeling. But I want to tell you I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you. When the time comes- you will be an incredible mother."
I cannot tell you how grateful my heart feels after someone takes the time to say simple words like that. I'm typing this through tears as I think about all the precious people who have been so encouraging to me in this way. It doesn't make me feel like my faith isn't strong enough, it doesn't make me feel like my pain is useless, it doesn't fill me with resentment or make me bitter. It makes me feel heard, loved, validated. It acknowledges the pain and makes me feel refreshed knowing I have someone in my corner praying for me- even if they don't quite understand the emotions. And when I'm in the midst of the mud of my mind that these emotional struggles can bring- it validates my feelings, and reminds me that I have hope.
If advice is what you're so anxious to give- if you do not validate one's feelings FIRST- they will never hear you.
I'm not naive to think that this concept will solve the world's problems and pull people out of the pit of deep struggles. I'm not suggesting that at all. There are some people that are so negative that they will never receive what you say- no matter how considerate or heartfelt. There are also people with struggles so deep and personal that it becomes a mental condition that requires professional help. And there's also times that after building an emotional bank with someone- tough love is needed to give perspective and snap them right out of the pity party. My sister has done that for me several times- even when I didn't want to hear it.
But- what if we threw away all the cliche, overly generalized statements? What if we truly listened, and put thought into what we say before we say it? What if we stopped giving advice, and first, validated someone's feelings? What if we changed our conversations, our Facebook comments, and texts and started putting effort into making everyone in your space feel loved, worth it, and heard? What if we stopped forcing people to stuff their pain because we minimize it consistently, over and over again because we 'don't know what else to say.'
Let's try it.
So to you, the one who has just experienced the death of someone close to you: I'm so sorry you're grieving. I cannot imagine the hurt and the loss. I'm here for you anytime you need to just be sad. I'm also praying specifically that The Lord will bring you peace.
And to you, sleep deprived mommy with the screaming child or children in public- I don't know how you do it. The fact that you're juggling so much on so little sleep baffles me. I did it for one week with 2 nephews and almost died. I admire you. You're doing an incredible job.
To my single friend, the one with the broken heart- I'm so sorry. First, do you need me to kill someone? :) And second- Dangit this sucks. I'm praying specifically for you as you work through all the emotions and uncertainty. I'm asking The Lord to fulfill His promise to be close to the brokenhearted- because nothing hurts worse. I don't have any advice or know what to tell you to do- but what I do know is that you're worth it, and you're beautiful, and you are MORE than enough.
To the pregnant friend who has an over baked baby doing jumping jacks inside your belly- I am so sorry you are so uncomfortable. Let me bring you food or do your dishes or take you to do something to take your mind off of it. That baby is so lucky to have a mama that already loves them as much as you do.
And to the friend ready for a fresh start with your health and fitness- isn't that the hardest thing? Dangit- I struggle there too. Making a complete lifestyle change is tough and oftentimes brings a lot of set backs. So basically you're really brave for making the decision. You're already an inspiration to me.
To the college student juggling 27 things, broke, tired, and trying to excel in it all- You go girl (or boy)! You've got a lot on your plate and I can't imagine how exhausting it is. I'm praying that you get rest, friendships that last a lifetime, and that you get more and more excited about how this time is preparing you for an awesome life God has planned for you!
Last but not least- to my soul sisters walking the road of infertility.... I'm so sorry. Man this sucks right? I'm sure you're feeling alone in it. I do too, sometimes. Let's pray for each other. And let's look forward to the fact that our babies- no matter how God chooses to bless us with them- have a testimony that's being written for them of God's faithfulness before they're even born. Your pain is not useless. With the Lord's help and His promises- let's walk this road together.
Are you struggling? Are your emotions trying to get the best of you? There are too many examples to count, or list here- so many people in pain, hurting, and craving support and validation. If you are experiencing this- I'm so sorry. I can't guarantee that there will be people around you who will feel with you- but the one thing I do know is that there's a God who loves you. No matter what you've done, or where you've been, or what circumstances are in your life right now. His name is Jesus Christ. In fact- He died to know you. He understands. He knows your pain. And He even begs us to bring our problems to Him- so He can carry them for us.
He says, "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy burdened- and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Do you know Him? If not, I'd love to introduce you to Him. He cares deeply for you. And is ready and waiting to give you rest.
What would our relationships look like if we became intentional about our conversations of support for our friends and family? Do you think if their pain was validated they'd be more open to hearing about the love of Christ? Or if we stopped giving so much advice but started empathizing with love- we'd make a difference in someone's life? I don't know about you, but I think I'd like to try.
