Well here we are. It's been almost 8 months since I've given a fertility update! I hope everyone has been doing well and has had an incredible 2013! We certainly have! We celebrated the birth of my precious nephew James Henry and we also celebrated the 5 year old birthday of big boy nephew Wil Franklin! Duane and I have also both been building our businesses. The favor of The Lord on Timberline and Mary Kay has been humbling! He has come through for us countless times and taught us to never lose faith! We are SO HONORED to be living this life and wouldn't trade it for the world.
Does a new year make you reflect? Man, it does for me. It usually starts for me at Christmas. I start thinking about the year before- and then I spend the next several days reflecting and thinking about the year to come. This year, it's been a little different. It started for me around thanksgiving and hasn't stopped all of December. Reflection and thinking. Planning and thinking. Praying and reflecting. Off and on and off and on. About everything. About life. About my relationship with The Lord. About business. About friendships. And yes, about babies. Since this is a blog about our journey through infertility- I won't bore you with all of it- we'll focus on the last one..
Let me sum up our fertility journey of 2013 for you in one word: Nonexistent.
For me- I was finding myself in a VERY dark place. Around the beginning of the year we quit. I needed a break. I took some meds to help treat the symptoms of PCOS- but overall- we quit. This entire year for me has been spent BLOCKING it all out. I was tired. I was hurting. I couldn't handle it. I kept stuffing down the feeling of sadness or the planning or the research or the hurt or the overthinking or the medicine or the questions from people- I kept stuffing it further and further down and stopped allowing myself to feel ANYTHING about fertility. I allowed myself to become numb to it. If you asked me about my progress during the year- you probably got a plastic smile and robotic answer about how we're taking a little bit of a break but trusting in the Lords timing. As I had programmed myself to say...
I wish I could tell you that I was content and resting in the peace of The Lord- but honestly I was just pretending it wasn't happening to me. I was pretending that the time just wasn't right and I don't want children right now. I was lying to myself and forcing myself to believe that I was too young and had plenty of time and that kids weren't in the 'business plan' for us right now. There's not a bit wrong with those statements- except- it wasn't true. I was lying to myself to stuff the pain. It was easier to just 'enjoy my nephews' and 'distract' myself from having to deal with what was really going on inside.
It wasn't until around October that the shell started to crack. My dear friend Jennifer Redman had text me to let me know that her, her mom, and her aunt Myra had a gift for me. I had no idea what the gift was or how special it would end up being to me. Jen came over and called her mom, Jeanine, and Aunt Myra and had them on speaker phone so they could explain the gift to me. Jeanine began by telling me about a very vivid vision she had one day while praying for Duane and me. I believe that The Lord speaks to people in very different ways and Jeanine is one of those dear prayer warrior friends that hears very specific things from The Lord often. I so treasure her prayers. As she was praying for us and our future child- she had seen Duane and I- standing at the front of a church holding our baby, wrapped in a beautiful long white blanket, dedicating him/her to The Lord. It was an incredible moment to hear her describe the scene. So being the compassionate women that they are- Jeanine called her sister Myra to hand make me and Duane a white, crocheted, baby blanket. As Jen pulled this work of art out of the bag- I wept. It was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Not only was it beautiful, and had taken MONTHS to complete- but it had also been anointed with oil- and passed around from Godly person to Godly person to pray over and pray over. For us. For our baby. And for Gods plan in our lives. They ended the call with Myra praying the most precious prayer over us and our child. The thing that stuck out the most to me was when Myra prayed, "Lord thank you so much for the testimony that you've already given this child before they are even conceived."
Wow.
I have never thought of it that way before.
It was literally was of the most treasured moments of this journey. Duane and I both wept.
Thank you Jen, Jeanine, and Myra- you absolutely have no idea how much that blanket means to me. It is a comfort and a constant reminder of Gods faithfulness and incredible people who are always praying for us. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
From then on- situation after situation was forcing me to be honest with myself. It was forcing me to allow those feelings to surface. For me to actually deal with what I was feeling so that we could move forward and I could, maybe even dare say, ENJOY the journey. Slowly but surely it began to rise up- and by thanksgiving- I was ready to start talking about it again. I was TIRED of beating myself up. I was TIRED of stuffing my feelings down my own throat and making myself feel stupid for my desire to have children. It's over. Let's be real- and let's move forward.
So here I am. About to start 2014. With word vomit of all I'm feeling. I'm sad. This sucks. I'm hopeful. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm doubtful. I'm faithful. I'm jealous. I'm joyful. I'm hurting. I'm proactive. I'm empty. I'm open. I'm prayerful.
Who cares what I'm feeling..... The most important part: I feel.
Bottom line: Duane and I are seriously praying about starting our fertility process again in early 2014. We are finishing up paperwork with a new insurance company and taking steps in the fertility direction. All I'm asking for is your prayers. Opening myself up to this process again scares the crap out of me. It's hard. Sometimes, it's brutal. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's really confusing- but this is what I know: God has placed a desire on my heart for children that has not gone away- no matter how much I lie to myself. I also know that despite the fear, the anxiety, and the scary unknown- I also feel at peace with the decisions we're making. So, your prayers for wisdom and continued peace is appreciated more than you know.
Here's what I've learned from this year: sometimes taking time for yourself is necessary. But don't allow the time you're taking for yourself to make you become numb and separate you from truly feeling and experiencing the incredible blessings that The Lord wants to place on your life. And yes, I'm even talking about the blessings that He wants to place on you through your pain. Or if you're like me- and need to feel numb for awhile- stop beating yourself up for it. Take the hurt to Him. Seek His plan. Don't just go to church and hope you get something out of it if the preacher does a good job that day. SEEK. CRY out. Do what you have to do to gain wisdom in what you're facing. He will answer you. He WILL bring peace. And He will never make you feel stupid for the pain.
To my friends who have cared for Duane and me for almost two years when I posted my first blogpost- thank you. Seriously thank you. Hopefully- just maybe- The Lord can take this journey and specific struggle to do at least two things: first, bring honor to His name, and second, bring someone closer to knowing Him. If that happens- it's ALL worth it.
I love you guys!
Happy New Year!
-Whitney
