Walking the road of infertility is HARD. Not only are you dealing with the pokes and prods and meds and hormones and anxiety of the process, but your emotions are ON ANOTHER LEVEL. I am NOT an expert and I have IN NO WAY figured all this out, but these are some practical ways I've found to "deal" with the times that just really suck. (Sorry that I said suck, mom) And I hope that this will relate to anyone waiting or desiring, not just dealing with infertility. I'd love to hear what you think, if you feel the same way, or if you have any other ideas to add. I love y'all!
1. Find encouraging scripture to keep on your mind all the time.
There's a song lyric by Matt Redman that says, "Forever I'll be breathing IN your grace, and breathing OUT your praise." This thought was a spiritual marker for me. In times when I feel alone, or surrounded by people who have been given the desires of their hearts, or when I'm just downright mad or upset-- I have to STOP and take a deep breath of GRACE. It allows me to "reset" and in turn, breathe out PRAISE. God is not surprised by what's happening to me. I also don't believe this is a curse or "the work of the enemy." I believe He has allowed this trial in my life, to draw me closer to Him. It's easy to "breathe out praise" when your life is on point. But what about through the fire? Having the TRUTH and the PROMISES of God's word on your MIND at all times is a way to WAGE WAR and WIN against the enemy when he tries to tell you the lies that come in a trial like this. Here are a few of my favorite to have posted, written, on my phone, in my car, on my mirror, etc:
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7
"From the end of the earth I will cry unto you, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14
"He will fear no bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7
"I am not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I present my requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." Phill 4:6-7
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
2. Limit social media use.
Is it just me or has everyone just had a baby, announced a pregnancy, done a gender reveal, or only posts pictures of their kids? It may just be me. But isn't that all you see every time you log on? Social media is already a very easy way to get entangled in the lie of the "have nots." It's kind of like when you have a dream car you desperately want to buy, and all of sudden THAT'S THE ONLY CAR YOU SEE ON THE ROAD. When you want to get pregnant, all you see is babies. When you want to fall in love, all you see is gross people in love. Don't torture yourself by scrolling/stalking/trolling for hours. It can oftentimes be INVITING the enemy to take root in your mind. Social media is great for a lot of things, but guard your heart. Be diligent. Know when to log out, and just go play Solitaire.
3. Don't keep your struggle to yourself-- you don't have to suffer in silence.
You are not alone. Let me repeat myself. You. Are. Not. Alone. This is not 1957 where women have to sit at home and silently DIE inside because it's not "proper" to speak of such things. No, I'm sorry. It's crap. And if you're sitting there reading this, and you don't have anyone to turn to, and you feel alone and ashamed and you're blaming yourself-- I believe it is physically and emotionally KILLING you. PLEASE REACH OUT. I would not be here typing this post if I did not have an amazing circle of warriors around me to encourage me and tell me that what I'm feeling is VALID. Do you know that 1 in 8 couples have to seek medical assistance in having a baby??? You probably have 100 Facebook friends going through it right now, or have gone through it in the past. I'm not telling you to start a blog and share it with the world (if thats your style-- DO IT-- it's been amazingly therapeutic for me), but join a support group either in real life or on Facebook. Confide in a friend. Seek counseling. Ask for prayer from your leadership staff at church. If you can't find this circle of support-- MESSAGE ME and we'll find you one together. There are millions of women ready to envelope you with open arms and prayer and encouragement who GET YOU. Don't miss out. And DON'T suffer in silence.
4. Have a good cry.
This one probably seems silly. But for realz. When it comes to fertility, fertility meds, hormones, the whole world being pregnant BUT YOU (dramatic)-- there is A LOT of "pent up" emotion. A lot of times a good cry can be triggered by something (a tv show, a random puppy you pass on a sidewalk, or a silly toothpaste commercial with a cute baby), but sometimes when you're overwhelmed, you just need to come home, sit on your couch or get in your shower and Let. It. Out. It's okay. It's therapeutic. And you need a release from all that. Or else one day you're just gonna LOSE it on the grocery bagging teenager that doesn't organize your cold items with cold items and your dry goods with dry goods. (I don't know who would do that..... not me....)
5. Make a MAJOR effort to spend quality time with your husband.
Remember when you first fell in love? Remember when you would stay up late talking for all hours of the night or how you would spend hours getting ready for him to pick you up on a date? Remember what it felt like to love him before the pressures of bills, work, marriage, and fertility? It is so easy to get into the crazy cycle of blame, resentment, irritability, and sex "on a schedule" when you're walking this road. It's VITAL (at least it has been for us) to make time for each other that INCLUDES no MENTION of fertility or work or bills or the hard stuff. Get dressed up. Go on a walk together. Lay in bed and watch funny videos of people falling and laugh until you cry. Men-- just be there. I know you want to fix it. I know you wish your wife wasn't in so much pain. Just encourage her. Tell her she's beautiful when hormones make her face explode with breakouts and gain 20 pounds when she just looks at a cupcake. Ladies-- remind your man that he's your superman through it all. Remember that this is hard for him too. He oftentimes feels helpless and doesn't know what to say or do to make it better. Give him grace. Even if babies do come, scripture tells us that your relationship with your spouse comes FIRST. Don't let it get lost in the shuffle.
6. Be honest with your friends.
I have a lot of pregnant friends right now. We're just in that season of life. And it's totally okay. But there are some days, it's just hard. REALLY HARD. Sometimes when you're at dinner and the only topics of conversation include maternity clothes, breast pumps, car seats, and birth stories-- its hard. I've been on this train for a long time, so I'm really good at being genuinely joyful to celebrate new life, or when I'm not-- just faking it. But sometimes I. Just. Don't. Have. It. In. Me. To. Say. Congratulations. One. More. Time. And I'm going to validate you right now and say-- IT'S OH KAY. I GET YOU. You don't have to put yourself in positions that you know will end in you crying so hard you can't see to drive on the way home. Don't feel like you can emotionally handle a friend's baby shower? Don't go. Buy a quick gift online and ship it to their house. It's better for you to RSVP in the "heck no" category than for you to go with a bad attitude and put a damper on your friend's day. But here's the deal-- you need to be honest with your friends. Don't just disappear after their pregnancy announcement and have a friendship end. It's not their responsibility to read your mind. If they really love you and care about you, they will understand that sometimes you just need a break. You know your own emotions, and if you feel like it will be a situation that will cause you more pain-- just say no. To those friends reading this who know someone experiencing infertility-- don't take it personally when they aren't as accessible. And please PLEASE, don't give advice, don't get offended, just love them through it.
7. Make a gratitude list.
Seriously this is self-explanatory-- but it is dang near impossible to experience jealousy and anger and have your own self-pity at the forefront, when you have a heart of gratitude. This is so important. Keep this list in your notes on your phone and when you're feeling low, or jealous, or angry, make it a POINT to add to this list. I believe it is IMPOSSIBLE to live an abundant life of joy without a heart of gratitude.
8. Be proactive about finding JOY in your life.
A clean living room, with fresh flowers in a beautiful vase, a scented candle burning, a good beverage, a romantic comedy playing on the tv, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, in comfy clothes, with my puppy laying on the carpet in front of me, and my husband laying on the couch beside me....... There is literally nothing that makes me happier. I feel like Julie Andrews singing, "these are a few of my favorite things!" Sometimes it's an evening like this. Sometimes it's dropping everything to drive to Mississippi and be with my family. Sometimes it's a good book. Sometimes it's taking a nap in the sun in my backyard. Sometimes it's spending one on one time with a great friend. Sometimes it's buffalo chicken wings from Steve's Landing. No matter what it is for you, find your happy place. Be diligent in adding things to your day that bring you joy. If you're miserable at work, make sure that your evening is full of things that bring you joy. There are enough things in life that cause us pain, so I challenge you to find one thing that brings you joy TODAY. It's hard for me to be upset when I'm drowning in comfy covers and watching Andie Anderson and Benjamin Berry discussing a love fern.
9. Try to find meaning and purpose in your struggle.
This one is definitely the hardest. And way easier said than done. And there are some things we face that we will never know the purpose on this side of heaven. When I ask "why," there are a few things I'm always reminded of. Had it not been for infertility, I don't know that I would have been forced to lay my control freak, "I can handle it all" attitude at the foot of the Cross. Had it not been for infertility, I wouldn't be connected to some of the bravest, strongest, most hopeful women I've ever known. Had it not been for infertility, I would not have been given this platform to write this blog. There are many things I don't understand, but there is one thing I KNOW... God is good, He has a purpose, I am not forgotten, I am not being punished, and I am not alone. Neither are you.
Give me your ideas to add to the list. BIG love coming from me to you!
--Whit <3
