Sad is OK.

Today was sad. I'm not sure how it started. I'm not even sure why it started. But today was one of those days that I just wanted to crawl under my covers, pull them over my head, scream, then sleep. I guess it was a culmination of a couple of things. Some of them, I'm even a little embarrassed to admit. But for whatever reason- it happened. Sad, frustrating, emotional, heart breaking, brutal day.

I'll start by saying that my treatment is going really well. I'm on some medication, prescribed by my incredible doctor, to help treat the symptoms of PCOS. I'm really working to lose weight, get my insulin/hormones under control, make sure I'm eating healthier, drinking plenty of water, and lots and lots of exercise. So- I can tell in just a couple weeks that I'm already feeling a MILLION times better. I did have a couple 'incidences' of pretty rough nausea and upset tummy during the medicine switch- but hey, I'm a pro at that now:) I'm super excited about where we're headed and I completely feel at peace that we're taking the right steps toward my health.

Having said that- this day... Really caught me off guard.

Lets rewind to Friday. My sweet hubs was working on a job out of town and came across these sweet, orphaned puppies. They were for sure abandoned, skinny, scared, and literally as cute as can be. He decided to take the female and his partner took the male in the hopes of finding them a great home. I instantly fell in love. That precious puppy was calm, very snuggly, cute as a button, and smart as a whip. Now, we already have 2 big dogs that I adore- Trixie and Daisy- our two black labs. Duane and I both agreed that it was completely unwise to keep a third in our small backyard, in addition to a third vet bill... No matter how much we loved her. So, I immediately started posting on Facebook, sending out a couple of texts, and asking everyone I knew if they were interested in our little Lula Belle. (Yes, I named her... Dumb move I know!) We ended up keeping her Friday night, and all morning/afternoon on Saturday. I worked most of the day, so she spent a lot of time with our dogs in the yard. She loved it. And of course, they got along great. That afternoon I took her to get a bath, and we took a fun ride in the car, we cuddled, we played.... Yep. I was hooked.

Now, I'd like to take a brief pause and clarify one thing. I am not a HUGE dog person. Don't get me wrong- I love my animals, my family has always had animals, and we probably always will. But...for example: Those sad animal commercials don't really phase me- I'd much rather send my money to an adoption agency whose goal is to rescue CHILDREN from bad, abusive, or orphaned situations. But that's just me. I think dogs/animals are ridiculously cool and people who have a heart for animals are also ridiculously cool- it's just not really my thing. My hubs is definitely the one who does all the taking care of our dogs. I just get to do the fun part- like play and pet. :)

So that's why this strangely strong attraction to this puppy was so weird to me. I mean she was cute, but that had never been a reason to reel me in as hard as this one did. I knew we reeeeeally needed to find her another home- but, with my whole heart, I really didn't want to. So, Saturday night rolled around and we got a call from a guy interested in meeting her. D and I rode up to meet him with little Lula Belle in tow, and he ended up becoming her new daddy. He was a great guy who loved animals so I felt totally ok with it. That was.... Until I got in the car and started to drive away. I sobbed. I was so so sad. I could not understand why this DOG was such a big deal to me. I shook it off, grabbed some zaxbys to eat away my emotions (so much for my diet) and headed home for the night. D had to go finish up a job for a few hours so Jen came over and helped cheer me up with watching some hilarious YouTube videos. I was starting to feel better but was completely exhausted and just feeling 'ick.' Ever felt 'ick' before? Just icky and irritable.

On to this morning...

We overslept. Missed Sunday School. Completely felt the same 'ick' as the night before, and really really wish I could say that I wouldn't have just kept on sleeping if I hadn't agreed to help in the 3 year old nursery. Lovely.
Well, got up. Went to church. Helped in nursery and had a flippin blast. I've helped with that class before, but this time, I don't know why... Just completely filled my heart up to the brim. Those sweet angels were singing all their worship songs, answering questions about Jesus, learning about asking Him into their hearts, and saying some of the most hilarious things. I left there feeling blessed, but for some reason, deep down, I also felt this ache in my gut...
We had lunch with some good friends, got home home, the hubs left to play golf... And there I was.
Strangely icky and achy.
I decided it was because I was just missing Lula and so I came up with the brilliant plan to take my oldest pup to get a bath and spend some quality time with her. Did I mention that I don't really do a lot of the 'taking care of the dogs' chores around here? So a completely soaked, and exhausted hour later we got back home- BOTH of us bathed. Not the 'quality' time I was hoping for.

I sat down. Took a deep breath. I made some calls. Did some work planning. Made some lists. Did around the house. Tried to shake it but I couldn't.

Maybe I should take a nap? No. Not really tired. Eat? No. Not really hungry. Clean? No. Definitely not clean.

Facebook. I'll just check Facebook.
And that's when it hit me.

Scrolling through my newsfeed.. This is what I saw.

Ultrasound.
Precious babies.
Puppy picture.
Random food picture.
Ultrasound.
Ultrasound.
Gender reveal party pictures.
Baby 'bump' picture.
Daylight savings 'tired' status.
Baby.
Baby.
Ultrasound.

It was everywhere. Everything started coming together. It all made sense.
Having to give up a baby puppy- that I loved- that was mine- that I cared for.
Keeping the sweet angels in preschool- and walking out of that room without one to take home.
Seeing everyone I knew (dramatic, but you get it) having a baby, celebrating babies, and talking about babies. Normally, a HUGE source of joy for me..
My ache. My 'ick.' My bad mood. It was my heart breaking for a baby. For my turn. For my opportunity to celebrate a new life with people I love. For me and Duane to experience the joy, the sleep deprivation, the spit ups, the bath times, the cuddling, the kisses, and the love that we so desperately desired. When will it happen? I'm not even on fertility meds so how far into the future is this baby?

I cried. Hard.
I almost felt like I couldn't take it.
It was not bitterness, but the uncertainty of all this stuff- and the waiting.. It was too much.
I curled up in a ball, in my favorite chair, and I let it out.

That's when I heard it. Strong and clear. In my tears, in the midst of almost a literal, physical pain of heartbreak.. I heard..

Be Sad. It's ok.
Over and over again I heard... Be sad. Cry. It's ok. I'm here.

So I did. I didn't try to pull it together. I didn't try to shake it off anymore. I just cried. I cried until my husband came home.

(Since this is so depressing, can we pause together for a brief comical moment...)
You know how when you're upset, and especially in moments like this you can't really even explain WHY you're upset... And especially to a man? (I mean, clearly- it's taken me 8 years just to get to this part of the story.) Well I tried, very unsuccessfully to explain why I was sobbing like a child to my husband. It came out something like- "And the puppy. And I'm sad. And I don't feel good. And I want a baby so bad. And I need to work out. And I don't think I can go to church. And my heart hurts. And the nursery this morning. And I'm thankful for you. And I'm sad. And I just need to be sad. And I trust The Lord. And I'm just irritable. And It's just a bad day. And I'm just sad. And I love you."
PLEASE tell me someone else can relate to this conversation???
And then of course, his response was something like, "Its ok honey. Gods timing is perfect. We'll be ok. You'll be ok. We'll get through it. I just love you so much- but I don't love your bad breath so much."
Hahah! Oh the joy of man vs. woman. Gotta love it.

Back to the story...
After letting my husband 'console' me (really- he was super sweet after the bad breath comment), we both agreed it was best I stay home and collect myself and not try to attempt church. But I couldn't sit. I couldn't just wallow in my sadness. I felt like I had so much emotion from the weekend pumping through my veins that if I didn't get it out- I would scream.

So I went and ran. For 45 minutes (aka... Who am I? I hate cardio.) I ran, I sweat, I cried while sweating, I blasted great music in my ears. (I probably looked like a complete freak show to my fellow gym members- but I didn't care.) It was therapeutic. And I felt 100 times better. I ate. I ran to the grocery store. I text my sister. I came home a new woman.

And so now, here I sit. Eating Girl Scout cookies (go figure) and thinking about the day. And I'm so thankful for it.

For the first time in this journey, I didn't have a little voice telling me that my tears were selfish. I didn't feel stupid for not being able to hold it together. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to shake it off. I let it out. And I heard The Lord clearly speak to my heart that SAD is OK. He hears my prayers, He knows my heart's desire is to trust His timing, He knows I don't have the ability to just 'handle it.' Just like we say to fellow Christians, "You can't just love Him in the good times- we have to praise Him in the hard times too." The same applies to how God feels about me. He doesn't just love me when I've 'got it all together' and I'm rocking it, and I'm content, and I'm faithful. He loves me just as much when I break down. When I allow my emotions to take over. When I hurt- He hurts.
This wasn't a time in this walk where I questioned God, or came to a crossroads in my faith, or I had some major surrender to Gods will.
I have no other way to explain it but just... Sadness.
I trust Him. I believe Him. I know I'll have a precious baby when the time is divinely ordained. And I really am content....... But that ache. It's brutal.

Ever read that 2 word verse in John that definitely packs a punch? Well... In case you haven't- it reads...
"Jesus wept." John 11:35

His trust in His Fathers will wasn't wavering, He hadn't lost His faith, He wasn't in sin, He wasn't less God because of His tears- He was just as much God as He was human- He was sad. He had lost a dear friend. And He was sad. End of story.

So I ask you, friend... What burden are you carrying? What 'ache' grips your heart and gives you those unexplainable days or moments? I want you to hear me when I say- Be sad. Sad is ok. Cry if you have to. WEEP if you have to. Let it out. Tell Jesus. He knows what it feels like. He wept too. His heart hurts with you. You are not dumb. You are not weak. And you are not selfish. Be sad. Sad is ok. Then, surround yourself with people who love you. Listen to a song that lifts you up. Head to the gym and take it out on the treadmill. Spend some time with Jesus. And if you've never done that, or you've never met Him- I sure would love to introduce you to Him. It's totally worth it. You are not alone. And He promises, "Joy comes with the morning." Do you know Him?

Thank you for letting me 'think out' my emotions. Thank you for letting me share my heart every time I post on this blog without fear of judgement. You may not understand the ache of infertility. That's ok. Every one has their own journey to walk, and burdens to carry. Whatever your 'thing' is- know that your sadness does not signal 'less faith.' I'm thankful for today and the incredibly important reminder that- sad really is ok.

<3 Whitney