Happy May Everybody!
Hope you had a wonderful April and are as excited as I am to enjoy a beautiful spring. If I'm being completely honest- I'd have to say that it has definitely been a challenging couple of weeks getting in the swing of things with all my meds and things like that. I decided to go ahead and document all the "procedures," dates, and medications thus far in the process-- mainly for my benefit so I can keep it all straight.
SO! Here it is...
October 2011-- First doctor's visit with new gynecologist in Chattanooga to pursue fertility treatment.
That day, we determined that I definitely had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) by the irregularity of my cycles, weight gain, acne, and most importantly from the ultrasound that showed I had a "string of pearls" (small undeveloped cysts) in both of my ovaries. This is a very common thing in women with PCOS. Hence the name "cystic" ovarian syndrome. But basically-- what it all boils down to-- is that fertility will be a struggle because of higher levels of testosterone in my system causing all these issues and most frustrating- causing me not to ovulate. We decided that we would go forward in making sure my tubes were all clear of any other blockage and then proceed with the first rounds of fertility drugs. So I marched my happy tail up to the appointment desk- made that bad boy for an x-ray and went on my way. Pleased I had found a good doctor!
November 2011-- Hospital Appointment for the X-ray to make sure my tubes were clear.
I woke up early that morning and had to be at Park Ridge by 7AM (thank the sweet Lord for Mary Kay so I don't have to be up that early every day). I checked in at the front desk and was led to the waiting room to wait for my appointment. As I was sitting there, half asleep, checkin' facebook/twitter/etc (you know the important stuff)- I looked down and realized I was wearing a hospital bracelet. It began to dawn on me that this was not the kind of X-ray I thought it would be. I thought to myself, "Self...why am I at the hospital at 7AM wearing a hospital bracelet for an 'x-ray'...shouldn't the doctor's office have an 'x-ray' machine...should I have my husband with me?...Is this gonna hurt?..." Now...let's just pause for a moment...what do YOU think of when you hear X-ray? Does a dimly lit room, lay on the table, take a picture, "hold real still", image come into your mind? Yeah...me too.
WELL....that's a big fat negative. I was ushered to a 'prep room' and instructed to change into a hospital gown. (Side-note: had a minor panic attack while changing...that's fair right?) Then I proceeded to have the most painful, invasive, embarrassing, emotional "procedure" I've ever had. Dang it was bad. And I was ALL ALONE! To spare you the details, let's just say that because of certain complications I had to actually have the entire procedure done TWICE. Happy happy joy joy. Well- because of the pain, the balloon, and the dye that they shoot into your system to "x-ray" (HA!) my tubes-- this thing put me in the bed for about two days. The worst part was that I was completely blindsided, unprepared, and alone. For goodness sakes I woulda had my husband if I'd a known! OH and the gargantuan hospital bill that arrived a few weeks later... That was fun. Since insurance covers NO fertility. That day was a barrel of laughs!
My doctor and I went through a brief separation in our relationship...but he apologized...so I forgave him...so now we're back together.
Anyway-- the silver lining is that my test results came back great with no blockage and no apparent reason we shouldn't be able to conceive! All worth it.
After this procedure- my doctor called and advised us to wait 2-3 months to start any fertility drugs because couples have been known to get pregnant soon after. The reason being because the tubes are widened so much (ouch) with the balloon so they can shoot the dye through your system and perform an x-ray. He ended the call with a..."Great! Now go forth and be fruitful!" Gotta love him. Well obviously that didn't exactly happen...so we proceeded with my next appointment to begin the process.
Mid-March 2012-- First doctor's appointment to actually start fertility treatment.
I went in very optimistic with the intention to decide on how we should get this party started. Duane had to work and gave me the go ahead to discuss it with my doctor and make the best decision. We were already pretty certain that he would just start me on Clomid and try that for a few months. Well that's what we decided to do. Since PCOS keeps my body from staying in a regular cycle and most often I don't ovulate- I was prescribed Provera (as my sister affectionately calls it the devil drug) to start my cycle and then Clomid which is a fertility drug to help me ovulate. I left encouraged and excited but not really with any expectations just to keep myself from being brokenhearted.
April 4, 2012-- Started Provera.
This drug is started on Day 28 and taken for 10 days.
We affectionately call it the "devil drug" because it throws your body into a cycle it doesn't naturally want to be in. It definitely made me not feel like myself at times and I was for sure a 17 on the 1-10 emotional scale. But I was super thankful for my unbelievable support system in my husband, friends, and family.
April 20, 2012-- Started Clomid.
This is taken from days 3-7 on my cycle to help in the ovulation process.
(Side-note: Kind of made me chuckle that I started doing "drugs" on 4-20)
April 30, 2012-- Started taking At-Home Ovulation Tests
So that's where we're at. I will be very transparent when I say that there were several "rough" days on this first round. I haven't ovulated yet so far- even on the medicine. So that's been really frustrating. It's hard to fight feelings of failure and like there's something "wrong with me." Having the "future of our family" on my shoulders can also be a little worrisome and exhausting--but ultimately I know God has a plan. I am thankful for my sweet friend Jen who made sure to remind me that God doesn't need me or my body to make a baby. So the feelings of having something wrong with me are completely a tool of the enemy. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Even when sometimes I don't feel like it.
I also can't finish a post without giving HUMONGOUS props to my precious husband who has been unbelievably supportive through all of this! Even on the day that (while taking Provera) I looked at him and said, "You're not doing anything wrong...in fact you're being really sweet...but you're still irritating the fire out of me. So I'm just gonna give you a fair warning that for the duration of this car ride I may snap at you several times. I'm just gonna apologize in advance." (Haha!) He affectionately responded, "Okay honey...I'm just gonna sit here, be quiet, and mind my own business. That ok?" Poor baby. He's a champ.
Oh how I love him so.
Once again-- THANK YOU to you all of you that have been praying for us, calling, texting, messaging, etc. Also thank you to so many of you who have continually affirmed the decision to go public with this process. I know there may be people who don't understand. Maybe you think its crazy I would share these things (I agree a little), or think its crazy that Duane and I are starting these things while we're still so young.. Some may think-- you've got so much success in front of you... why not accomplish more before kids...
I just want to clarify because I have answers for both:
1. We went public with this struggle for two very intentional reasons. It is healing for me to write and document, and we hope to make an impact on the lives of others who are also dealing with the same.
(Plus I felt an intense leading from the Lord to share for a really long time....in my heart I kinda feel like that's explanation enough.)
2. As a family, we feel the Lord is calling us to this for a reason. Being prayed up about the issue- Duane and I feel a strong calling to be parents and feel the same calling about starting the fertility process right now. My prayer is that this decision can be respected and honored by all who know our story. Our God is most important-- then our present family and future family run a 1000000% close second.
Thank you so much for all the support and allowing me to lay my heart on the line about a really personal issue. I'm OBVIOUSLY not a doctor so I hope these explanations are easy to understand. I kinda feel like a blind man trying to describe the color purple. But...I look forward to continuing to update this process. I want to encourage anyone else dealing with the same....please continue to reach out to me so that we can lift each other up. This does not have to be an issue that consumes your thoughts, your life, your being....it's very easy to allow yourself to get to that place. But let's join together...lifting each other up so that the ONLY thoughts that are allowed to be entertained in our minds are thoughts of gratitude, hope, and positive expectancy of blessings to come!
Love you all!
-Whitney <3
Part 1 of 2 -
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time there was a girl who got married to the love of her life in 1995, & they lived together happily until, one day, they decided that the only thing that could make them happier was a baby.
Innocently, they thought that just deciding to have a baby would make it happen because, after all, it happened that way for so many other people. But, despite trying as hard as they could (& having lots of fun trying!), the baby-thing just wasn't happening for them.
Slowly, the trying to get pregnant became less fun & more troubling... especially as she watched so many of her friends become pregnant. They decided that they might need a medical intervention, so they went to the girl's doctor. Only to be told that they needed to be trying for at least a year. So they went back home & tried some more.
One day her sister-in-law announced that she was pregnant. Again. For the 3rd time.
When her sister-in-law laughingly joked, "Apparently, all my husband has to do is look at me, & I get pregant", it hurt. And, then, when her sister-in-law found out she was having a baby girl & announced that they would be naming the baby the name that she herself had wanted to name her baby for so many dream-filled years, it hurt some more.
Tbrough it all, the girl & her husband never told anyone that they were trying to have a baby. Instead, whenever well-meaning friends & family made statements like "So, when are y'all gonna start a family?" and "You guys need to have a kid - you'd make great parents!" or "What are y'all waiting for? You're not getting any younger!", the comments just chipped more & more away at the carefree facade they were trying to maintain.
One night, she dreamed of a blond-headed little boy who called her "Mommy" & she woke up crying.
They read fertility books & charted her early morning temperature. And, a few times, they were excited when she was late starting her period, & then she would take a pregnancy test... only for it to be negative. Again.
In the meantime, her sister-in-law had her baby. And, surprise, instead of a girl, it was a boy! So, her favorite name was still available. But, at this point, it only depressed her more because she had decided she'd never be able to use the name anyway.
They bought their first house, & her mother-in-law, after receiving the grand tour, remarked, "This bedroom would make a great nursery!"
Eventually, they took themselves back to the doctor. And, after various tests & exams, she was first given Provera. And then Clomid. And she got cranky & moody & drove her poor wonderful husband crazy.
But still nothing.
Part 2 of 3 -
ReplyDeleteSo, after a couple of rounds of Clomid, they decided to take a couple of months off since her sister was getting married.
She got measured for her bridesmaid dress with all the other bridesmaids & tried to enjoy her sister's festivities.
She attended the baby shower of a close friend & gave a bridal shower for her sister. Her other sister-in-law announced the happy news that she & her husband were expecting their 1st child. That Mother's Day, at the Pastor's request, she wrote a skit to be performed in church on Mother's Day.
Through it all, she smiled. But, on the inside, her heart was breaking... because, try as hard as she could, she just couldn't harden her heart enough to not care.
Her bridesmaid dress came in, & she went to the bridal shop for final measurements. And the
dress didn't fit. It was too small in the bust. The seamstress checked the measurements they had first written down when ordering the dress & made the offhand comment, "Normally, this only happens to our pregnant bridesmaids." 2 of the other bridesmaids were pregnant, so the seamstress asked, "You're not pregnant too are you?"
"Oh no!" she laughed in response. "Believe me, I'm not pregnant!"
The girl thought to herself, "It figures. Even the bridal shop is against me."
The day of the wedding came, &, in the dressing room, the 2 pregnant bridesmaids were comparing pregnancy symptoms. One of them said, "Every morning I'm gagging on my toothpaste!"
The girl laughed, "Well, I've been doing too, but I'm not pregnant!"
The other bridesmaid said, "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure!" she replied. "I've just been nervous about the wedding."
Her sister got married & went off happily on her honeymoon.
[to be continued in 3 parts instead of 2]
Part 3 of 4 -
ReplyDeleteThe following Monday, the girl woke up feeling a little queasy. But she decided that some sinus drainage was making her feel that way.
Then she started counting & realized her period was late. Again. But, when she started really thinking about it, she remembered that she hadn't had a period in a little over 3 months.
But she'd never been all that regular. Plus, she'd been caught up in the wedding excitement. Right?
The next morning, she gagged on her toothpaste.
So she called her doctor's office & said, "Either I'm pregnant or have a really bad sinus infection."
And the receptionist said, "Well, Honey, why don't you come in & let's find out."
She called her mom & asked her if she would go with her. She figured the test would be negative, so she wanted someone w/ her & she didn't want it to be her husband because she didn't want to get his hopes up only to have to disappoint him again.
Her mother, of course, said she'd be glad to go with her. So, that afternoon, she went to her doctor's office. No one else was in the waiting room, &, as soon as she came in, the nurse said, "We've been waiting for you!"
"Well, I'm sure I'm not pregnant, but I wanted to rule it out."
The nurse took her back to the restroom, & she peed on a stick & then went to wait in the waiting room with her mother.
10 seconds later the nurse came out -
"Sweetie, your test was the fastest positive that I've ever seen! Congratulations!"
And she cried. Such sweet happy tears!
Since it was June, on the way home, she stopped at the card store & got her husband a "Father's Day" card.
Her husband was already home, so she walked in & shyly gave him the card.
And waited for his reaction...
His eyes got big & a huge smile came across his face. He lept across the room & enveloped her in the biggest hug. And they cried & thanked God together.
That girl was me, & that was June 1999. I was 25, had been married for 4 years, & we'd been trying to get pregnant for a little over 2 years.
On January 5, 2000, Elizabeth Kelley Tate was born. We call her Beth. I was 26, & our 5th wedding anniversary was that April 2000.
In November 2000, I started gagging on my toothpaste again. Surprise!! Christopher Morgan Tate was born on July 11, 2001.
Beth & Chris are 18 months apart, & they are best friends. Left to our own devices, we never would have placed them so close together in age, but God knows exactly what He's doing! God's timing is just... sweet. And perfect.
In December 2008, I started gagging on my toothpaste once more. Surprise!! Nicholas Garon Tate was born on July 18, 2009.
I was 36 & would never thought to add a baby at my "older" age, but, again, God's way is better than my own. I could not imagine our family w/o Nic! He has made our family sweeter & has caused Jason & I to slow down & really enjoy the little moments because we've learned that time has a way of marching to a very quick drum.
[to be continued in 4 parts instead of 3]
Part 4 of 4 -
ReplyDeleteSweet miracles... 3 beautiful blessings from God! God designed our family in His own way & in His own timing. The only baby we'd "tried for" was Beth - the other 2 were perfect little surprises!
God gave me the family that He wanted me to have in His perfect time. What He has planned for me & Jason is so much more than we ever dreamed.
God's ways are definitely amazing! And very wonderful! And so absolutely perfect! Looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way!
However, during those years of struggle before Beth was born, I didn't understand & cried many tears. I didn't trust nearly enough. And questioned God & got angry with God.
If I could go back, I would have shared our struggle with other people. So they could pray with us & then share in our ultimate joy. I was too proud to let people see my hurt, but, in doing that, it only hurt me more & made me more bitter. After Beth was born, I shared a little of our struggle w/ people, but I think if I'd shared while we were in the midst of our "valley", it would have helped me to trust more & question less.
Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to ramble on... once I got started, I couldn't seem to stop! I just wanted to let you know that Jason & I have been where you & Duane are. I've cried those tears, Whitney. And I admire you so much for sharing your journey! And I thank you for it as well because it has reminded me of our own journey, to rejoice again in God's faithfulness, & to remember to trust God's heart.
We will be praying for you as you continue along this journey! You are an amazing & wonderful woman, & I know God has a wonderful & amazing plan for your family!
Much love!!
Wendy Tate